‎"I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear."

Martin Luther King, Jr.

***oh whammy here it comes, this is your warning, this is not rainbows and butterflies, this is a divorce post, I won't feel bad if you don't read it***

Cope: I was derailed for a minute today, I'd rather not admit it but I will. My darling little ex husband Nathan sent a stream of unwarranted, appallingly nasty texts that completely caught me off guard. {I will spare you the detail, albeit juicy}. Bless his h....his chest cavity where a heart should be. For a moment I was reminded of my life with him, for a moment I had some really lovely thoughts which were quickly dispelled as his texts exponentially worsened. And it was then I realized how dead I used to be to all of it. Funny how abuse is, to deal with it you just tune it out and you put it in the "Normal Marriage Behavior" folder in order to mask the issues because no little girl ever dreams of a marriage like that. No I never had physical bruises and my case is so far from the tragedies that both men and women face in unhealthy marriages, but I was deadened to some very bad behavior so that I could cope. I am elated that it shook me today because that means I have successfully moved on and the part of me that used to be, is no longer dead. I am back to my emotional "fighting weight" and feisty as hell. I was on the bottom for a brief moment today, a moment which ended when I was reminded {thanks GBM} that I am the one who controls where my power goes and lending power to a pain from the past is never a wise decision. Regardless of the situation, regardless of how much time has past, no one should ever have to cope with abuse and no one should tolerate it in any amount. That being said...

Dear Sender of nasty texts,

Enjoy your restraining order.

MK

Gender: I think it is simply a right of passage going from young to old(ish), for some to be not completely "cozy" if you will, in embracing all that their given gender can offer. Embracing your gender means that you have to be confident, secure, loved by yourself, and honest. {This doesn't mean if you are a man you must be macho and if you are a woman you must be prissy and kept} There was a time I was thrilled to be tough, strong, sometimes even thought of as, "one of the guys", when I was 15-18 I stole my little brother's boy scout pants and wore them all the time! While I am still stupidly strong and rather tough, as time has gone on I realize more and more that I really love being a woman. I like painting my nails, wearing lipstick, getting fancy for no reason, I love wearing high heels, I love the feeling of freshly shaved legs, being held. {I realize many of these traits used to be the "it" thing for men} Besides the fickle silly things I just mentioned, I love that women are instinctively nurturing, caring, and sensitive. I love being a woman and I love having people in my life {and by people I mean men :)} that appreciate all that that entails and thus enhance how I feel about my gender.

Multiples: you see I have no problem owning more than one pair of jeans-a dark, a long, a skinny, a comfy- I have no problem owning a "few" high heels -pink, green, fancy, sophisticated, um how do I say it...a few not so sophisticated pairs, etc, but there are some things that I just want! but cannot justifying having multiples of. {Devastating I know.....I really thought I would get through life without this damn voice of reason.} For example this robe. Frenchies and the Eiffel Tower?! perfection overlaod. Alas I already have a robe and it rarely gets worn, so charming robe I will admire you and your $78 price tag from a distance. {$78 for a cotton robe, ya that frenchie better bark and that Eiffel Tower better light up and play "La vie en rose" for that} @Anthropologie...today we are not friends. @voice of reason.....SHut UP!

The Incredible, Edible, ...:I want chickens, lots of chickens. Why you might ask? so I can keep a stash of eggs in my car. Yep you read right. I want to keep raw eggs in my car. What for might you ask? to throw at all text while drving-ers, horrible parallel parkers, slow drivers, lane hoggers, swervers, and let's not forget the "I think I can pull over here and just run in even though I am double parked because my flashers are on-ers", rubber neckers, I have a turn signal but NEVER use it-ers. Yes I think a nice egg to the window would do just the trick. More surprising than flipping someone off, more lasting than a dirty look, and, perhaps more affective than a honk! I thought the day would never come when I found a replacement for my horn but I have done it. I never cease to amaze myself. Yes I think a few dozen should do me just fine. Wish me luck and......for goodness sake GO the light has been green for like 4 milliseconds!

Second: a measurement of time, a place who's platform is a foot shorter than 1st on the olympic podium, something that should be offered, more often than not, when it comes to a chance. Last weekend I stopped by a bakery that months earlier had greatly disappointed. This was an extremely rare thing for me as I take bakeries very seriously. A scone, a blondie, an herbed loaf, and I was pleasantly surprised. I had a delightful moment sitting at a table by the front window enjoying a simple morning. Perhaps it was the company I was keeping, perhaps it was the rain which tends to makes me nostalgic and romantic, but I marveled for just a moment on what a lovely thing a second chance really is. A second chance on an author, a restaurant, a film director, the boy who mows the lawn, ....these are simple and they require little effort from within. Giving a second chance however, to say something like love, is a little different. Someone close ruins you from the inside out and the damage is done {this can be family, a spouse, a dear friend}. Pieces go missing {or so we think}, scars begin to form, trust is lost, and hope soon follows. Then comes a day when enough time has past and we need to begin to forgive. We forgive them first because in most cases that is easier. We now see they were young, insecure, poorly matched, unaware {etc.}. Now don't discount the difficulty! This step while easier than the next is not easy, but is well worth the work. Once we forgive them, a new space is created, old scars are now barely visible to the mind's eye. Forgiving oneself is next and this, this is the Everest for so many of us. The myriads of questions that seem to be on a constant loop in our heads, "what did I do? what did I not do? did I try hard enough? did I choose to not see the disaster from the beginning because I wanted a challenge? was I tired so I settled? was I too pushy? did I not push enough? was I myself? did they know the real me? _(insert your own thoughts here)__? these are the questions that can never fully be answered. Love happened at some point, then it died, if you spend forever questioning why, you will lose the beautiful things that did come from it. {and yes all loves regardless of their ends contain certain quantities of beauty that I feel should be held in special places} So you must stop questioning everything and ask 1 simple question: "What habits, traits, and characteristics will I allow from the past to be carried on into my future?" that will ensure the good remains and the bad is left behind. Now just let yourself be free of yourself. Tell yourself you are sorry and then tell yourself it is alright, get up, stand tall, and give love a second chance without trying to remember exactly what your scars used to look like. Rinse and repeat as many times as love is lost.

Incident: bigs and littles both have "serious" tragedies from time to time....today was had a bit of a tragedy, but luckily I know a surgeon or two so I took what I knew and applied the appropriate techniques:

The Problem: The Solution: {I went with 0.02 PDS sutures vs. 0 Vicryl}

...........

The Results: complete patient satisfaction

Flaws: certain things in life are better when they are perfect: manicures, diamonds, camera lenses, dental work, safety & emissions inspections on your car. Certain things I think are better flawed: people. I say this because I myself am flawed and while I don't adore my large flaws {I am working on a few} I do love my little flaws because they make me, me: I have a chickenpox scar on my back, I snort sometimes when I laugh, I swallow my gum, I mix up words ... while reading a sign the other day, instead of saying "loco taco" I said, "laco toco", my teeth chatter when I get tired, I hang up too quickly on the phone {okay this one I don't love but it is "little" and mine}, I am a bit of a flirt, I wiggle when the food I am eating is great, I talked to myself when I am really upset or in the grocery store {and against popular belief- NJF- I am not crazy!}, I am indecisive when it comes to picking movies, I drive my car about 40 miles after the gas light goes on, I listen to songs I like over and over and over again, I rarely carry cash, I hate wearing close toed shoes {as a nasty consequence my feet are often cold, go figure}, I treat strangers as old friends sometimes creating an awkward situation because they don't understand my sarcasm, there are more but we can stop here for today. The entire point of me listing my flaws is this....in their most basic forms, I think that friendships and loves are: knowing and accepting another's flaws while not being afraid to expose your own, and from time to time, finding a few of their's rather quaint.

4/17/1983: So I am officially 29 now. It's been one whole day of being one year closer to the end of my life {30 :)} I celebrated as I usually do, I: temporarily blocked my facebook wall so none of my 296 facebook friends could, "Happy Birthday Girl!!" me, told anyone who asked that I had to work late to prohibited mass celebrating, talked to my mom, ate cold pizza leftovers while catching up on Grey's Anatomy {yep I watch it, yep it's trash, nope I don't give a rats butt what you think} in my underwear. It was a lovely day....however, while I simply adored the gifts I was given, these would have also been age appropriate options:)

A new kitchen: I look at this and I feel the mountain breeze from the windows, I can smell the fresh cut grass from outside with a warm whiff of the scones that will be out of the oven in 10

New Frosting: nope, not what you think, diamonds are my birthstone and this little Harry Winston bauble would make for a lovely right hand ring :)

Dyson= must have for every residential bathroom & Jimmy Choo: I choo choo choose you.

Palmer Johnson: I look so good in stripes, my sister is a marine biologist, it makes perfect sense.

What can I say...I am a simple girl from Utah.

Stage: Shakespeare's As You Like It contains the popular monologue beginning with, "all the world is a stage", how true this is. So many people acting so many parts. I wish I could say I was removed from this but alas I am human and I too play different parts from time to time. I was high and mighty working online banking, overly flirtatious calling everyone, "darling or honey" while working at the truck stop, I was gentle and understanding while teaching french, a straight up back-talking fireball while I was a pastry chef {you had to be or you didn't survive}, I am funny, sarcastic, and loud around my family, awkward, shy, and slow to warm in situations that cause me to "mingle" with other singles {this is my least favorite side! how I wish it would die. I am such a chubby caterpillar leaving a slime trail when I would much prefer flaunting my sleek social butterfly wings for all to see}, Lately my "part" is pensive, eyes wide open, breathing deeply, laughing often, loving much, internally calmer than I have been for a while. The world truly is a stage and I do love being on it, and I rather enjoy my current casting.

Monday: expressed through photos....

Yep this happened:

{Armani meets Target toilet...worst collaboration ever}

-in case you are dull...those are my sunglasses in the public lou-

Yep this happened too:

{picture should speak for itself}

- & no moron, I didn't steal the pants, Kelly forgot to take off my security tag, and the store Kelly works at* is no where close to where I live- -

*or did work at until I called her boss

Desk: Being so close to so much in the city I feel as though the space I live in is much larger than it actually is. For example, my desk is about half a mile from my bed. My desk is here, in front of the Library of Congress. As the sun sets, almost every night I come here to catch up on my correspondence. I usually am alone because the tourists have returned to their hotels and are sorting their souvenirs and yaping about how bad their feet hurt while transferring their 8GB of photos onto computers, and the residents are at home with their families yaping about how, "tourist season is upon us". The city is quiet so this is a fitting place for my purposes. Tonight I watched the sunset, I had a little conference call with my 2 older sisters, I wrote a few letters, and I emptied the secrets from my head to my journal so I am ready for the week. And I think I am ruined! After 5 summers of this, I can ever go back to having a conventional "desk"

7:30a: to get the "true" feel for a city you really need to see it in it's prime, when the streets are awake. It is 7:30a here in DC on a Saturday and the streets are very much asleep! and I love it. No horns, no sirens, no bits of cell phone conversations, when you take out all the distractions this city is magnificent. I have been enjoying my 6 or 7:30s for 5 years this coming May and have no plans of leaving but I stumbled upon this:

and I couldn't help but think, "preposterous, a perfectly good passport without a single stamp! Inconceivable." I think I need to rectify this inconsistency soon.

Spring Break 2 of 2: so this year was not the previously mentioned MTVesque spring break....although with my "single" status being restored a bikini clad beach weekend could have been fun :), nor was it the car sick Astro van spring break with 4 siblings....this year my spring break was:

waking up to the mountains and the orchard,

General Conference with Teresa and Hannah,

(thanks Audrey's dad Frank for getting us VIP tickets...okay they weren't VIP but I tell myself they were so I can feel fancy)

quick flight to Denver for a charming Easter with the Moffitts,

{yes that is his Easter basket that I wove myself from pear branches sitting on the bathroom sink, I know it was a terrible place to stash a basket!}

a trip to Boulder for a little "entertainment" rivaling Cirque de Soleil,

then 8hr car ride back to Utah with Gable,

poor guy didn't see it coming! Teresa, Gary,Jennifer, Darren, Monica, Nick, Audrey, all full strength? We laughed the entire weekend, we scared my mom multiple times, we stayed up late, we played games, we saw 2 c+ movies in a row, we ate wings :), we heard medical school horror stories complete with pics POIDH

and last but never least, we went to my favorite place in American Fork Canyon, Tibble Fork

Skillz:So I know a guy....and he is going to be an orthopedic surgeon....that is however, not his only skill, here are 2 others:

Ikea Revamp: a few weeks ago I was browsing through a favorite blog...apartment therapy....and I stumbled on these: fancy legs for your ikea furniture

while they cost as much as the Ikea piece you are revamping, I adore them and I think when my storage comes out of storage, I will not buy these but simply steal their idea and revamp the legs on my own. Rhinestones? Paint? Twine? who knows where I will take it

Spring Break 1 of 2: now normally when you think of spring break (woohoo) you might think of neon, getting drunk on a beach, getting flashed by wayward teenage girls trying out their "independence", awesome outdoor concerts, waking up hungover,.........wait a minute that isn't normal, that is what MTV in 1999 told me Spring Break was ! What a let down mainstream media :( thanks for nothing... I have never been in a neon bikini while listening to a rad concert while doing a keg stand while surrounded by friends on a beach. Spring Break for me was usually a 6 hr astro van ride to Zion Nat'l Park with my 3 sisters and 1 brother with moments of intermittent mild to extreme car sickness because my dad, bless his heart, took those corners too fast, "Gary!" (moms voice still resonates). There were twizzlers and PB&Js that always got smashed because we always made a whole loaf's worth then put them back in the bread bag for transport. {Some times I wish we didn't care about the environment or had the $ :) and could have put each sandwich in its own bag!} There was bug spray and sunscreen, a combo of which always found it's way into my brother Nick's eyes and never onto Jen's shoulders, so without fail she got burned ever-single-year. I usually had a broken arm, Beth wanted to sleep in some makeshift teepee, and Hannah never had to walk anywhere because she was the youngest so dad always put her on his shoulders.-----------voila-----------that is what I remember.

Happy Easter: Happy easter from the decorations on my mom's dinning room table...

and the bunny cake I made .....