Thursday, August 12, 2010
From time to time you call someone and the number is...temporarily disconnected. The power may be out, the bill wasn't paid, cell tower's down, they changed their number, whatever the reason you know that person can't be reached so you wait a few hours, a few days, sometimes a week, and then you call back. But, for that hour, or day, or week that person was in a way disconnected. At times I wish I could be temporarily disconnected. I would love to shut down, turn off, and not have to explain my reasons for doing so. Awkwardly in the silence of some days I wonder how it would be not to not have to love. The friends who "need" you, the family, the partner, life. I crave to have the option to truly shut off. I tried and then I had to feed the dog, pay my student loan so I didn't get a late penalty, the distant friend called I answered because it had been months she talked I listened she complained then hung up, I caught a glimpse of my tired face and realized my plan had failed, miserably! Does one ever get time to fully recharge? or do we just spend this time running on half a tank knowing full well that even when the gas light does go on, we have 50 miles before complete shut down; we often go 49.75 then crawl to the nearest station, rummage for change and get what we can. If I were a princess I could shut off. I could tell my servants to tell the court I was unavailable and they wouldn't question. I could steal away to a place where no one knew me, no one could find me, and where expectations were simply to sit and stay hydrated. I am NOT a princess, I love too much, too many, demand too little, and while being needed is a wonderful feeling, it can also pull all feeling from you.