Saturday, August 31, 2013

That one time in my life I didn't want to be in charge {I know, it finally happened}: there are certain situations I do not like, yard sales are one of them. I am terrible at flea markets conversations go something like this:

"um this says it is $15 dollars, would you take $10 or could we do 2 for $20"
"no this is very nice item"
"okay, you're right, I'll give you $16 how about that?"

At yard sales the conversations are the very same. And if I am the seller it's worse:

"um this says it is $15 dollars, would you take $10?"
"how about I pay you $15 just to leave me alone and you keep the shirt"

However on Saturday I faced my fear. My mom and sister, Jen, wanted help with their yard sale, and I cannot resist anything either of those two ask! And I love money :) I can haul boxes, I can price, I can setup, take-down, shlep, but sit there and barter?! Oh no my friends, not for me, I would much prefer vaccinating a rabid pitbull. They said I didn't have to :) and if anyone came near me, I pretended to not speak english, and if they didn't either, I just pointed at Jen or Mom. We didn't make tons, but I did take my share in mostly $1 bills so this morning when I woke up I could throw the money while in bed like they do in the was glorious, until I remembered they were just a bunch of $1's. Then I felt just felt like a waitress, or a stripper.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Ms. Manatee:: so a while back there was this guy, tall, dark, handsome {no really he was 6'4", dark hair, and really really handsome}, he wanted to go for a late night swim in the lake. Yahoo...this is code for," let's put on minimal clothing, say we are going to go for a swim, but spend all our time "playing" around in the water" right? WRONG.  I carefully chose a cute suit, not one that is completely unflattering, not ones that is too cute, but one Goldilocks would approve of, and it was just right.

We get out of the car, it's too dark for him to see my cute suit. FAIL.  He throws me a swim cap and I realize, this is not amateur swim hour, this guy is serious, no "playing". FAIL. We scramble down the rocks and into the chilly lake. While getting in the late night fisherman on shore looked at us like we were brainless convicts trying to swim from Alcatraz.  Before I know it he is in and gone. It was like watching a flying fish. I don't know if his body actually ever touched the water; I felt like clapping. After closing my mouth and gaining composure, I think, "I have been swimming laps almost all summer, I got this!". Double FAIL. After maybe 20 strokes I quickly realize I am more like a manatee than a flying fish. get the idea

I can't see where I am going, there are waves smacking me every time I try to breath,  gnats are buzzing my ear, and I am not wearing goggles. "I am going to drown", "I knew I should have asked Hannah if there are fresh water sharks", "I hate this....kind of", "what if I happened upon a dead body". Yep looking super hot now MK, back comes the flying fish and I am just a hot mess. Heart racing, sure I am going to drown {even though I can touch bottom}, choking on fish poop water....  "Hey isn't this great, how are you doing?" I wanted to say something clever to disguise my current state, FAIL. "I am freaking out!" happened instead. Manatees Unite. We talked, I chilled, we kept swimming for another 15 min or so then headed back in. I finally am feeling awesome, WHACK "AHHHHHHHHHH" I  hit a body, a real body with my arm. I knew it I knew it, dead body in the water!!! Nope the flying fish just swam in front of me. Freakout #2 was handled rather quickly :) he didn't see. One more awkward exchange with the fishermen who still thought we were nuts and we were back in the car and smelling like lake.

On the ride home I realized my evening turned out better than I thought. Instead of some testosterone driven neanderthal trying to "get some" all night, I was terrified that I would drowned, I thought I ran into a dead body, and I felt like a manatee. Stellar. Moral of the story though: I was put at ease without being made to feel dumb, lame, or whussy. {Not bad flying fish, not bad}. Maybe not all dates have to be Dive Bomb Dates.

Friday, August 23, 2013

On Saturday I wanted to be a baby yoga instructor. Because nothing is cuter than babies doing big human yoga poses.

On Monday I wanted to be a model. Because I was too tired to, but wanted to, do my hair. If I were a model it would be done for me...and so would my makeup and my outfit would always be flawless.

On Tuesday I wanted to be a flight attendant. Because then I could fly to Montana for free and go hiking this weekend.

On Wednesday I wanted to photographer for National Geographic so I could spend all day behind a lens, finding wonder.

On Thursday I just wanted to be so filthy rich that I never had to work again!

On Friday I woke up at 4am to finish a cake, and I realized I never want to do anything but this:


Wednesday, August 14, 2013

One Liners:If you had only a few lines to "sell" yourself, what would you say? Well here are just a few profile lines I saw a few weeks ago on my online dating extravaganza {that is better known as the land of misfit toys :) }. They aren't awful, but they are enough for me to post on a Wednesday.

 "I melt over a great steak and a soft kiss."

"I love rock climbing, MMA, camping, and cuddling with you" -WHOA stop right there....MMA, no chance I am cuddling with a cage fighter who can put me in a sleeper hold!

"I am your dream guy--tall, dark and handsome. I love cats, have 3. I am a hard worker as well as a good kisser!" - you are admitting right of the bat that you are a crazy cat lady...I mean man. Cats? that is your selling point!? your going to kiss me, then have to hand me a lint roller before I leave.

"I don't waste time on video games or TV, I clean up after myself, I love kids,"

"Happy Happy and super Happy, I know there's one special person out there it has to be is it you?" -anyone else read that  more than once? I think a few words or commas are missing at the end. But at least I know you are, "Happy happy and super happy". 

"A lot if peoples say I look like my mom, what can I say, she must be haut" -and her heart weeps because you still can't spell, and won't move out. 

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

The Puzzle: According to my birth certificate, I am: Monica Kate Moore born April 17th, 1983 to Teresa and Gary Moore in Provo Utah.

According to my passport I am: a US Citizen {who wasn't allowed to smile for my photo}

According to the DMV I am: a UTDL# 165010*** with no citations, 5'9" Brown Hair, Green Eyes, 160 lbs.,  living in Cedar Hills

According to the Church I attend I am: record # 000446138**, single, endowed, and "worthy" by the set standards

According to my dad I am: Hunkamunk or Munkadater. To my Mom and Jen I am: Kate or Katie, to Nick, Hannah, Jake, and Darren I am: MK. To Beth I am: Frauline. To Grandma Lil I am: Monica Monica Monica Kate. To most my friends I am: just Monica, others: Soeur Moore

According to my CV: I have been a teacher, a nanny, a waitress, a chef

According to Kenza I am: a provider of food, amazing toys, fancy beds, and ear rubs.

According to the BMI I am: Average weight

According to my hilarious online dating idea: I am mkpastry 30, divorced, "and loves chicken wings"

According to Facebook: I am a set of colorful photos, and occasional sharp posts about life.

To so many I am so many different things. They see just a few pieces of my puzzle....and the interesting thing is, I am not even sure if I know where all the pieces are yet. I don't know if I have the 4 corner pieces, if all the borders are there, if all the pieces are there! And I don't think I want to, not yet. A few pieces put together here and there give perspective to this whole, "life" thing, but I don't want to know exactly what mine is to look like yet, because I like to think if I knew it all now, it would lack wonder and excitement. So for now, I am happy with my pieces scattered, a few on the table some on the floor, and maybe one or two that are lost in the couch or under the fridge, but will be found soon enough.

{did you notice my seatbelt is always on ? life with me is a wild ride;) }

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Sunday Dinner: Getting to know new people is a double edged sword for me, I have such shyness around the edges, but a never ending abundance for adventure, and new people are always an adventure. I was invited to sunday dinner with some people I have recently met, and they are always an adventure. Just wait, I will show you:

Setting....a lovely Sunday Dinner & Ashley's, 21st birthday a neighbor walks in, starts up a conversation, then this happened...

Various member of the family: "We love your dog, he is so cute" "He is the perfect animal for you"

Neighbor (45 single woman): "oh actually he died a month ago."

Jonny (26): "He Gone"

Me: (shock and awe J would say that! turning red enough for everyone @ the table, and trying to laas quietly as possible, because while it was irreverent, it was pretty funny)

Neighbor:.... ya she said nothing

Jonny's Dad (with the recovery): "I don't think dogs like me very much. There was this one time this dog was getting in the trash, so I went out one day and kicked him. He went whimpering down the street. Every time after that that I saw that dog, we would just cower in fear and pee by my feet".

Jonny's Uncle: "I was over at a neighbor's once waiting for something. I was maybe 12 or 13. Their dog walked over to me, peed on the floor, then fell over in the pee! I am standing there alone next to this dog thinking, "is this normal? is anyone else seeing this? do I tell them", on my way out I kind of quickly said, "Hey I think there is something wrong with your dog". Found out later the dog died that day"

Just a normal, little 21st birthday conversation. How I love the adventure people bring to my life. How drab mine would be without my family, and the moments I get to spend with other's.

Friday, August 2, 2013

A few days ago, my life may or may not have been turned into a Chevron commercial (and seeing my amazing sister Beth, and her stud husband Jake work for Chevron,....I blame them :)