Saturday, June 19, 2010

Let Go

You are terrified to let go, petrified to think those memories may fade. You have convinced yourself it is because those times were so go but, deep down you know you are afraid they may be gone with nothing to fill that void. You spend countless hours replaying the past. You've cried, you've laughed, you've lost sleep. You've filled up countless journal pages, possibly making your own dent in the rainforest, only to find your question just may not have an answer. You move away, you bury a friend, you buy 1 ticket to the box office hit and skip the popcorn because you know you'll get fat. You take a drive without a map, you buy the expensive yogurt. You put on black underwear and bake a cake because it makes you feel sexy. You tell yourself you will run % miles tomorrow but you sleep in instead and frantically get ready for work in 5 minutes. Totally worth it. You buy flowers from the vendor by the bus stop not because his are the best but because 3 weeks ago when you were $3 short, he let you have the flowers anyway and told you to, "bring the rest when you get a chance." You go to the market every Saturday and always buy the same pastry, the consistency gives you comfort amidst the crowd. You take a road trip, you take a nap. You apply to pastry school, you buy a puppy. You try on $1500 shoes, you spend all day in a museum and you only see 8 paintings (and a bronze thing resembling an airplane or the leaning tower, you're not sure which) you talk to yourself but only while at the grocery store, you put on your favorite bikini at 2:am just to make sure it still fits. You stick out your tongue at the screaming child in the bank. You fill up more pages with nonsense and scattered thought and then without trying or willing it, all the memories you thought you could never live without are replaced because you started to really live.