There are those nights,
when the uneasy internal tremors are a bit more than usual.
When you feel the quakes,
and they quietly shake the very tears from your eyes.
In silent moment, helplessly frantic
to avoid full thought at any cost,
life unrelenting comes to a head
and everything combines in one glorious minor chord,
a twisted symphony that won't be silenced.
But dawn will come, and you will be more for
having let the melody play its course.

m.k

This photo has nothing to do with this post....I just adore this place....Henderson Waves, singapore.

Sparkletail: I love being wrong. LIES! that's a lie, and a truth at the same time. Let me explain.....I love thinking I know who I am and what I want, only to find that I was wrong! Only to realize that while yes, I am living and breathing, and aging, my character is as well, changing, living if you will.  Being out and away from everything familiar, everything comfortable, I am left most days with my own thoughts and very few distractions. Yes there is work, and meetings, and calls, and kitchens, and frosting, and and and, but it has been quite nice to have time with my thoughts. Time with just me. I should tune out more often. I digress....I always thought work would come first, I would be determined and focused and cut throat. I knew it....and I was wrong. As my professional life has matured, I realize work and opinions aren't the driving factors, people come first in my life. I am determined and focused and cutthroat at times, but I find that people matter to me more than most anything else. The products and the deadlines are crucial, but the person holds a greater weight. Sometimes you think you're a total badass....then you sit down and realize your really a pink unicorn with a sparkle tail on the inside. 

DBD....but not really, it was more of a dive bomb moment!:a few months back there was Ben, tall, handsome, hilarious! (he worked for Grand Theft Auto Asia, but was a comedian on the side). We had drinks (gingerale), then saw improv (it was awful! ...and he introduced me to his friends as, "Tinder" not Monica), then had dinner, then had tea @ Starbucks (he redeemed himself). It was a solid glorious 7 hrs. I was hooked. At the improv show, a friend of his asked if he would be doing stand-up that Tuesday @ a local bar...he was. Naturally, I mentally banked the bar name, went home after the date, googled it, bought "Stand-up @ Bar22" tickets for me and my wing man Michael (my bff here in Singapore), invited Michael, and went to bed. Next morning Ben texts and says, "Let's do brunch on Wednesday". This should be good, I can watch him, then bring up how funny his set was during brunch. Awesome :) I'd work out the stalker kinks. Comedy Tuesday came and I was really excited! When I say excited I mean a bit nervous, this isn't my style. I facebook stalk, google stalk, I never in person stalk! Michael and I found the bar, I took a deep breath, opened the door, walked in...... and there was no one in there!, except the bar tender and Ben! I died!  They sold tickets online, online ticket sales means a lot of people right? Like so many people Ben would never see me and my stalking could be done in secret! Back to the story, we walk into the bar, I look right @ Ben, Ben doesn't see me so i just turned right around and walked out. We are going home! Now the anxiety kicks in, and Michael is just eating this up! He's only ever seen me in work mode, so this, this is real funny for him. I'm hot, rambling, confused! Just a mess. After a walk around the block, a pep talk from Michael, and a coke, we went back in. Ben was in the back, there were now 5 guests, I figured with the stage lights in his eyes he would never know I was there. I was safe. Homeostasis was returning. We sat at a side table, the waiter comes over, takes our drink order, and just then,

Owner: "Hey is Monica here? ......MONICA? .......MONICA?"

....aaaah....

Me: "Yep, here" I sheepishly say waving my hand.

Out pops Ben, "Did you say Monica?"  in his charming British accent...he's British FYI

Owner: "Ya, she is the only one who bought tickets online"

Ben to me: "Hello there, isn't this odd"

and then followed my horror. Homeostasis shot to hell. My rambling explanation begins "I was just going to show up watch you and go....I googled you....um Michael isn't my date, he's gay not that that matters....I was going to tell you tomorrow.....I bought tickets before I knew about brunch.....oh gosh I am so sorry Ben this is really awful". And Ben and Michael are just watching as I combust. Lapping it up, cracking up! The shows happens, Ben cleverly reworks his set, and it starts like this:

"Hello everyone I am BJ Fox, have you all heard of Tinder? Well tinder is a shallow dating app, and you see that girl over there...Hi Monica....that's Monica and she and I both swiped right so we were a match and we had dinner the other night, and are having brunch tomorrow, and Monica decided to google me and show up here tonight......."

and on and on and on. Michael was in stitches, Ben knew he was hilarious, the 5 people who didn't buy their tickets online, loved it! And I, I was crimson, horrified, anxious, couldn't breath, almost fell off my stool, it was not my best hour of mortality. That's what I get for trying to be sneaky cute. I should just stick with in your face and slightly loud, that I can handle.

*we did have brunch the next day.we did have a few brunches after that. we did text lots....and then he fell for an actress :( but it makes for a good story.

• I ate chex mix and golden oreos for breakfast today
• I watch movies on 1.5 speed whenever possible
• I wear high heels whenever possible because they make my godzilla 41-42 (10-11US) feet look dainty
• I am terrible at flirting...epic fail....I get hot and flustered.
• I love long roadtrips
• I am not superstitious but I pick up every penny I see
• I make wishes in fountains
• I talk to myself.....only while grocery shopping.
• I eat while grocery shopping ----->
• Here in Singapore, I miss seeing the stars
• If my nails aren't painted, I will bite them when I'm nervous
• My New Year's resolution this year was to live life without being afraid....and it terrifies me
• One time I made a joke that I had an MBA from Harvard, and the guy didn't get the joke, and so I just let him continue thinking that. 
• I once was craving a burrito but didn't have time to eat it before the hockey game started, so I took my hair out, used the hair elastics to secure it to my calf, then pulled my pants over it and when security checked my bag, there was no food, and while everyone was sucking back bad dogs and beer, I was enjoying my carne asada

Hope 2.0:Toward the end of my marriage over 3 years ago, things were not amazing, for the first time in my life I legitimately considered the option that ending my life would be an easy solution to my problem.  I could choose to get off simply. No more tears, no more pain, just skip the queue of life and be done. It was a daily thought for quite some time, and in extremely rare low moments even still, it creeps into my thoughts.  I could skip the queue, but in turn I'd also skip the wonder life has in store for me and cause pain to others. I obviously didn't choose this road years ago, nor will I, but the memory is there. Now I don't share this intimate detail because I want help or sympathy, this post isn't about me exactly. It's about my brother who was in a roll over accident last week, too many stitches and staples to count, but he lived and he is fine. It's about Sylvia. An island beauty who married my amazing cousin Shawn a few years ago. She is the mother of a darling baby boy who started walking a few months ago, and she has a heart that I could only dream of. Soft, kind, angelic, she is a woman unparalleled in her abundant goodness. I wish we lived closer because she is a friend and an example. She is a 20-something woman, vibrant and lovely, that was just diagnosed with stage 4 terminal cancer. In a matter days, being tired and not feeling like herself, has turned into an expiration date. The doctors have really know way of knowing how many years, they can just accurately diagnose, and manage the situation as best they can. News of Nick's accident, news of Sylvia's diagnoses, is devastating. News like this stops your flippant careless thoughts, and grounds you. News like this makes you value everything, and all the nothings that don't really matter, stop mattering.  You want to hold people close, love a little more, but mostly, just breath in and live in today. Skipping the queue and choosing to end life early, is such a supremely real, yet selfishly stupid thought. Life comes with abundant joy and wonder, it also comes with so many challenges, some seemingly insurmountable.  I try my best to remain grounded by the hope that: life is catered to each individual, there is a greater plan, a greater good, most things happen for a reason, and love and family (whether by blood or association) will be what get you through.

To avoid confrontation I pretend I am on the phone.
The most I've ever said to my roommates is, "hey".
I swallow my gum after about 49 seconds.
The guy with the calf tattoos left the pool at the same time as me, and I wanted to stop the elevator and ravish him....I didn't. Next time.
A professor from England texted me something quite nice today, caught me off guard because I dropped all my bowls. I really need to get my act together.