Realization: I realize our Utah winter is only about half done, and I am not complaining. I love the fluttering of fluffy flakes in the air,  the tracks left by the deer in the orchard, the crackling as feet break through fresh snow. I love bundling in mittens and scarves, and red noses from the frost, but after seeing this today:

I realized a quick dip in an outdoor pool, followed by a siesta in the sun, would be lovely.

A day in the life of the pastry chefs @ Sundance:

4am - alarm goes off and you want to throw it across the room and then you realize your alarm is your phone so you don't
4:02 - pray that the hot water from the shower will wake you
4:09 - water didn't work, so you pray the mascara you are putting on will make you look awake
4:12 - shuffle through the pants on the floor hoping to find a clean pair
4:15 - down in the kitchen to grab vitamins, protein shake, chef shoes
4:20 - in the car, holy crap my buns are frozen on this seat! holy crap this steering wheel is so cold!
4:25 - DEER SWERVE
4:25.5 - glad I peed before left
4:37 - open protein shake....wait I left it on the counter, again!
4:50 - arrive @ Sundance. The mountains glow that early
5:00 - chef coat on, oven preheated to 300, hands washed
5:05 - 6:50 - pull and bake the orders for the deli, and ski shacks (Bearclaw, Creekside, Backstage)
6:55 - walk outside to inhale and look at the mountain. Mountain Break
7:05 - someone says something so funny we have to stop working because we are laughing to hard our eyes are squinty and knives and laughing squinty eyes don't mix.
7:45 - 8:00 refix hair, put on lipgloss, switch apron to the clean side then wait for Creekside guy to pick up his order while looking super busy :) 6'3", brown curly hair, piercing green eyes, shiny smile, and he's got a girlfriend but we don't care, we just want to look, look long, not touch. Sometimes we drool
8:01 Mountain Break
8:04 - 11:26 make doughs, pies, cheesecakes, bread puddings, bits of chocolate wonder, sauces, tuiles, creme brulees, creams, muffins, croissants, etc etc
11:26 Mountain Break
11:30 - 12:00 clean like MAD before the Tree Room chef comes in. We share a kitchen with them.
12:01 the door slams, we get really quiet,  Chef Park is in the building. He isn't grumpy just serious, and the door just sounds angry when it closes behind him.  He doesn't say much, just glances our direction.
12:02 - 3:00 try really hard to keep the uncontrollable tired laughter at bay as we finish the mis en place for Tree Room and The Grill and prep for the banquets tomorrow.
3:04 chef coat and apron in the laundry, head to the car
3:05 - 3:35 catch up on calls I missed @ work and make a really fun plans with mom for when I get home
3:36 stuff my face with whatever is in the fridge
3:46 carry the one more box of my stuff from the living room down/up stairs
4:00 head up to my room to start organizing but I lay down on the bed for a second instead
9:00 wake up and wonder what the heck happened!
9:02 go talk to mom and dad who are laughing hysterically because I did it again, fell asleep after making a great plan
9:45 bed, this time for good ;)

Year 1 Done and Done: I think of all that has transpired in this past year and it is hard for even me to process everything that went on, and it was my life! There are many days that my mind holds fast to, two of which are back to back, Jan 20, and Jan 21st. 

Jan 20th a year ago today, I got dressed, tried to calm my heart, and headed to the family divorce court in DC for the very last time to settle all the loose ends and completely finalize my divorce from Nathan. After it was done, after the last signature, the last testimony, the last, "yes your honor, no your honor", I maintained composure until I got to my car and then I lost it! 3.5 years of memories crammed into that car. 3.5 years of laughter and tears and love and loss. I can still feel the air, it is so thick. So today I called Nathan, yep I did. I just wanted to see how he was. Yes we are divorced, but by some stroke of God's love for us, we have remained friends. He is doing well, happy with life, happy with a new job in Texas, and I am happy for him, happy that there once was an us, and happy that we chose to become separate us's. So back to me in the car by the court house, I wiped my eyes. and then I started driving, and I didn't stop until I got to Cleveland. Which takes me to day #2 that I will remember.

Jan 21st.  A year ago today I was waking up in Cleveland, going in to snuggle with Gable, and then it just popped out, "I love you". Now I get what you are thinking, rebound much MK? Divorce was final 24 hours earlier, shoot! But that is not it at all. My marriage was over long before I ever thought about divorce, and my divorce was over, not finalized (DC is weird like that) but over, before Gable came into the picture. He was not a rebound. He was simply my Gable, who quickly helped me in restoring all the pieces of me that had decayed and atrophied. Today I talked a little text into my phone to him {yes it is totally safe, I was just talking, my eyes were on the road, and I would only glance down at the red lights}. We of course are no longer, but there were 10 months of bliss. With him in Boston and residency, and me in Utah and Sundance, things just don't really mix. They say you can always make time for love and distance shouldn't be a factor, they say love waits and to follow your dreams, they say a lot of things. I don't think either of us knows what happened. We never fell out of love, I think we just got scared that love came so quickly. 

Anyway that is not my point. I don't really have a point this is simply my telling you about 2 big days in my life that happen to be back to back, the day I got divorced and the day I realized I really really really loved again. Voila.  Life, you are a tricky, twisted, sometimes sick puppet master. 

Cause baby it's cold outside!: I went on a little walk with Kenza, a walk from my parent's house to my grandma's house, a walk of maybe 300 ft. round trip. About 127 ft into our walk poor Kenza stopped moving forward and was only standing on 2 legs. Her paws were frozen, and seeing as she is fancy, she knew this wasn't acceptable so she waited for me to rescue her, and rescue her fat little stalky body I did. I finished the walk carrying Kenza and the bad of goodies from Grandma Lil. Needless to say, she IS fancy, too fancy for Utah winters, so I shipped her fancy face off to Bakersfield to winter in the warmth with my sister's family. I will miss this:

Kenza trying to get as close as she can to the heater vent Kenza, ever stalwart, guarding me as I snore like a banshee 

 

Kenza guarding the Villa like it's her job  Kenza constantly between someone's feet

 

But as you can see, Kenza is delighted to be working on her tan. And yes she is learning to share her dog bed with Bella.

See you in the summer my rumpled face friend of 5 years

Month 1 done and done:it has been one month since I arrived in Utah. One month since I left my 3 darlings in DC, started work @ Sundance, one month since I closed a very, very dear chapter in my life. And the general feeling is .....great.  My darling DC apartment is replaced by: the same room I used in High School {yes it looks the same, not because my parents had a shrine for me, but because it was charming when I was in high school. No band posters, no I heart the New Kids/Backstreet Pre-pubescents paraphernalia, no trendy fuzzy hearts on the bathroom mirrors. It's not so charming now! there are boxes of my stuff everywhere.}. My jetta is replaced by: a luxury SUV with a heated steering wheel.....no I didn't get a new car, I just can't get mine up the canyon in this much snow so I have to use my dad's, thanks dad :).  The 3 little darlings that used to be "work" are replaced by: 3, 60 qt. mixers, 3 giant ovens, stainless as far as the eye can see, white noise from the radio in the corner, and not nearly as many, "I love you Ica" 's. I feel like I have been here for months, maybe it is because my typical work week is 86 hours? maybe it is just because this move was meant to be and the timing and the job and the new old room are perfect? maybe I don't known all the reason, but this first month has been great and it is done and done!

Essentials and Contents: I love to consider the evolution we each make in our lives. I am approaching 1 month here in Utah, and already the evolution has been very apparent. 

Just a few months ago my "essentials" were: long walks, early 6am mornings before the city wakes up, weekly ( if not daily) chats with mom, cute outfits, fancy hair, frequent trips to Annapolis to clear my head, a few shows on hulu, take as many pictures as possible....I was a single girl in DC, these things made sense. 

These were my essential today: bun on head as usual so hair is not in food, deodorant....sometimes it happens that @ 4am I forget, clean socks and chef pants that don't completely reek of kitchen, breakfast ... don't leave it on the counter again, you will end up eating cookie dough for breakfast, at least one break to walk outside and look at the mountain....just don't take too long because you have cakes in the oven, potty break....don't try "hold it" for 12 hours, yes the board is full of orders but they can wait 27 seconds. In a short 4 weeks all my "essentials" have changed. 

Just a few month ago the contents of my purse was this: wallet, keys, perfect lipgloss, cute sunglasses, a  secret treat for my 3 littles, eyebrow pencil for quick touchups, phone, and a planner.

Today I dumped out my bag to find my keys, and the contents was this: gum, recipe book, 5 sharpies, 3 pens, 30 some-odd bobbie pins, burn cream, waterproof bandaids, yogurt I remembered off the counter but forgot to put in the fridge and/or eat, streusel from the top of the pie I carried with me home from work, and finally my keys :)

I am alright with evolution. 

I need to tell you a story, then show you a picture, then tell you another story, and end with a picture. 

In November, Kenza and I flew home for Thanksgiving. Little did I know I would get offered a job, I would accept it, and I would leave Kenza in Utah while I packed up my life in DC. Well, that happened and Kenza was sad for a few days and then got over it. Which leads me to the pictures:

  

My giant storage POD came yesterday. In it, my life in material possessions. I secretly wish they would have lost it so I wouldn't have had to unpack! Anyway they didn't, back to the story. I am now in the same location as Kenza. Permanently. However, the sight of boxes and me moving all my stuff has sent this little smashed faces canine into a nervous wreck. She follows me around the house with one, sometimes 2, of her toys in her mouth and she whines this soft little whine all the time! It is as if she is saying, "I have my stuff, take me with you!" My mom said when I left for work this morning Kenza went nuts! So all the nerves have worn her out and she is now just a sad lump on my bed:

I really didn't think dogs could have expressions, until I saw this.

{this one is a personal one, really personal, it reads like a romance novel at first, but my blog, my stories....don't judge. It will be the first post where I use the word sex, you're an adult, relax}

I was flattered when he asked for my number, even more flattered when he used it. Tall, handsome, strong. We went to a movie, I wore stripes, he kissed me {it was mind blowingly good}, a few dates later he said I was, "adorable". Born and raised in Boston, he had a charming little accent.  We talked for hours, we texted a few times, we laughed about a lot, he kissed my kitchen burns, I was enjoying every minute. ....every minute until I had to put my money where my mouth is. We were just sitting down after a lovely dinner and he leaned in, kissed my neck, and then asked, "so when do I get to have sex with you?" He is irish catholic, I am Mormon. I thought he knew. "Um not for a really long time, I don't want to have sex again until I am married again." His face looked like I had just told him I had single handedly slaughtered his entire family, then taken his dog to the pound, only to be adopted by a family with 13 germy, misbehaved children. him:"Are you serious? You don't have sex before you are married? How do you even know if you like the person? Wait, you had sex with your ex before you married him right?" ..me:"No I didn't actually". him:"Well no wonder he didn't come after you when you left, you wouldn't let him touch you before you got married! {that hit like a wrecking ball} I think you are fascinating, lovely, a really wonderful girl, but I can't do this unless I get to have sex with you." I was waiting for the, "just kidding", the wink, the "gotcha" but they didn't come. He was serious. He just starred at me. "Seriously I can't do that, I can't this. I am here if you need me for anything, but I can't do this." He sat up straighter, he took his arm off my leg, his eyes changed. He turned cold. My hear sank, I felt all hot and panicy. I started to cry {I never cried before the divorce, now...oh I am a pro!}I felt like he just found out I had a very contagious skin eating bacteria. I thought every non-mormon in Utah knew. I felt completely responsible for not being crystal clear. This one was my fault. It had only been 2 weeks with him, but never the less, we had clicked. We just sat there, I tried to disguise my tears, he tried to mask his astonishment. me:"I am so sorry, I thought you knew." More was said, but in the end I left before the movie. I left a little crushed. I am not perfect, my life has not been lilly white, but that night I put my money where my mouth was and I was amazed that someone who I think I could have really liked and who could have really liked me, wanted nothing to do with me the moment he found out he wasn't getting sex. Sometimes I wear rose colored glasses, sometimes I turn a deaf ear to the things in the world that aren't ideal and lovely..... well this wasn't lovely and it hit me like a fog horn inches from my ear drum.  I am not ashamed of who I am but I am surprised that people who don't share my ideals sometimes see me as an oddity, a twisted-the-wrong-way curiosity. I am sure I am not the first to feel this way, I am sure he is not the first to react this way, but I really did  think it would be a little easier.

4am: It has now been almost 3 weeks here in Utah. My hands are all chappy from the mix of dry weather and constant sanitation practices, sometimes they bleed-don't worry on those days I wear gloves-, burns taint my once lovely arms, I fell asleep while using the Sundance bathroom yesterday, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I am a die hard romantic @ heart. I am sarcastic and sharp at first glance, but at the end of the day I am just gooey.  I think there is something so romantic about my life at this moment {and no it is not some hot man, and yes I live with my parents....that's not it either!}. I get up every morning at 4a, by 4:15a I am out the door for a dark yet serene drive. I am the only car on the road, and while I am awake, the day is not. I usually drive in silence, deer dot the roads, the snow glistens as my headlights shine around the mountain curves. It's only been 3 weeks but the routine is set: I turn past the Sundance sign and pull into the upper lot, I brace myself for the temp change, get out, lock the car, and take a deep, chilly mountain air breath. I waddle to the kitchen door, taking care not to slip, then I turn on the oven to 300 degrees,  clock in, button the crisp, white chef jacket and tie the apron just so, pull hair up, wash hands, and then the magic happens. The mixers whirling, flour's in the air, there's a faint clanking of pans from the other kitchens, then the intoxicating smell around 6:30a, as the croissants are taken out of the oven, the chocolate has melted, and the dough for tonight's rolls is already in the proofer {it's a hot little steamy box for breads and pastries to help them rise quicker}. The hours fly by as the kitchen gets louder, the ski crews come and pick up the pastries for up the mountain, security strolls in for their daily bowl of fresh granola and a Mello Yello, the banquet staff comes down to harass us {they don't know our names, they just call us all bonita, and howl when we walk by}, and if we are lucky, we won't see the kitchen mouse, who has evaded all manners of trapping. There is scrubbing, and suds to handle to flour that escaped, a quick mop, and then the jacket is off, the time card is swiped again,  I walk out, and somedays, it is the first daylight I have seen. Hours from now, it will all start again......and on most days, I can hardly wait for my 4am.