Thursday, September 20, 2012

KIOSKS: let's just talk about the mall kiosk for a minute, you know it, that little stand out in the middle of the mall....fully stalked with "must have" items and the annoying sales accosters {yep I know it isn't a word}.  Today I encountered the following kiosks:
  1. The Flat Iron Kiosk: this chick comes at me with a flaming hot rod informing me she can make me look like Kim Kardashian in minutes! Well actually she says, "Girl let me aks you somethin, you know Kim Kardashian, mmmhmm I can make you look like her" Really? Let's just clarify....you are going to take me from this to this in minutes? from, I-was-baking-all-morning-and-I-have-to-wear-my-hair-up  to  red-carpet-ready? hardly     
  2.             
  3. The Dead Sea Skin Care Kiosk: first off, Dead Sea? Salt? is that really so good for my skin? have you ever seen what salt will do to a slug? I haven't even made it down the elevator and he has spotted me...target lock ..."Excuse me Miss, I have a present for you" he suavely says as he pushes a sample toward me...a sample of slug killer for my face? No thanks. Now I realize it was given to me by the most attractive 5'6" Israeli man that they could find - that way it seems authentic?-  but I still don't want it. Using it might make me look like the "before" picture on a proactiv commercial, and I would like to avoid that.                                     
  4. The helicopter kiosk: I am not a little boy, or a 32 year old man with too much time on his hands......zzzzzzzzzzttttt "I am so sorry miss!" as the helicopter buzzes into my could-have-been-like-Kim K. hair tragedy. And I really really don't want it now knowing it is unpredictable. And he continued to try to sell it to me!
  5. The Diet Fizz Kiosk: thank you for staffing this booth with an anorexic Russian who is chugging that gastly "beverage" . I am sure if you read on the label, at the bottom, where it gets really really really small you will see that it says, "this product only works if used alone for 96 days. Side effects may include death because if you follow the directions your caloric intake will be 12 calories per day, but you will be really skinny right before you keel over"
So a few tips on how to avoid being accosted:
  • poke yourself in the eye so it looks like you are crying then make crying sounds as you shake your head
  •  take out your phone and hold it up to your ear and enjoy talking to yourself- if you talk to yourself on a regular basis, it's probably best to just always keep your phone up to your ear, you'll look less crazy-
  • when they ask you a question respond "ima soo sowwy no speaka englis" and just walk away

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