Heaven help me!: I am a terrible terrible person. This blasted mouth! So I get onto the online playground for misfit toys today {my recent online dating site} and the IM window pops up..."yay!" I think, then I realize it is someone I don't know, have never seen, and he is 43 and has never been married. I could feel a blog post from a mile away :) so I answer promptly...here is our conversation, it is a bit long and so awkward. He is the blue text, I am pink, my unspoken thoughts are black:

Didn't you grow up here?
I sure did. Born and raised in Cedar Hills
How long have you lived back east?
5 years
How is single life back there? Hi I am ____ it says you are divorced, are you past the point of being newly single now?
I don't know what that point is? However, I am Monica
So you just wish a guy that has the same likes as you and that you're attracted too knocks on your door one day? 
Well if he likes having his nails french tipped all the time, wearing lady perfume, and high heels....we are going to have a problem.
Any bf's since your divorce? and prospects back in DC? 
One, but work changed, life changed. We still keep in touch. As for prospects, there are a few but nothing serious
What's your favorite part on a man?
and here is where I wanted to really mess with him!! think of me and use your darker imagination.....lower....yep I wanted to say that :) but I didn't, instead I was good and said: Arms 
Does that make you weak in the knees when you're cuddling and a man wraps his arms around you and kisses you deeply?
barf barf gag gag kiss me deeply? as opposed to shallowly? Hasn't happened for a while, but I am sure it would. 
Maybe we should never meet? My specialty is soft kisses on the back of the neck and shoulders.  lol
-wait soft? what happened to deeply? and lol? hold it, I thought that was reserved for middle school girls! you are 43 and male! and soft kisses are you specialty- Mine is falling asleep 1/2 through the movie and snoring 
I think you'd be a fun date. 
I am not you are wrong, I am hairy, moley, and toothless but instead I said: I don't know, I am bit sarcastic at first, it is my mechanism when I am nervous
 I'm sarcastic at first, because I am sarcastic.  ll
Why all the smiley faces? 
When are you coming to utah next?
Thanksgiving
I want to go to Fiji or Bali next. 
Oh Bali would be wonderful. From what I hear it is breathtaking.
That would be a fun trip. Although staying in a cabana on the ocean could be trouble?  lol
Good night I feel like i am talking to a 24 year old frat guy

and then he logged off and I felt terrible. Don't worry I wrote him an apology. It takes guts to IM a total stranger, but {sigh little tear} this is a sad sad little playground for misfits toys, and I don't think I know how to play with them. Batteries not included. Carefully read ALL instructions.