DBD #15 Detox Feast: handsome: check. educated:check. good conversationalist:check. Chris invited me to dinner after a few days of talking and I was quite thrilled. We met up at a charming little place in Sugar House, and he was holding a mason jar of vomit. Well it looked like pink vomit. We sat down and after the usual pleasantries, "nice to meet you", "you are cuter in person", blah blah blah, Chris says to me, "go ahead and order whatever you want. I'm on a detox cleanse so I'm not going to order". WHAT?! this charmer invited me to dinner and instead of eating, he was going to suck back his mason jar of beet, celery, carrot, kale, ginger, cayenne, spinach juice. Not only did it look like barf, but it made me want to barf when I smelled it. Needless to say I didn't order. I suggested we just talk outside and 45 min. later it was all over. Conversation was rough. Either he or I were dry-heaving at the smell of his concoction. Best part, his 7 day detox was ending the very next day. I would have gladly waited 24 hrs. and spared myself the smell of his mason jar.

DBD #11 German Feast: oh did you think I would take a trip to Europe to see my sister and not go on a Tinder date? Bless your heart. Our train halted in Bremen, and my sister and I thought we'd see what Tinder Deutsch Edition held. She hasn't been on a first date in 3 yrs....but she is married.....so she was all over it. Soren popped up, tall, smart looking, clean cut with a suit in one pic, a bit rugged with a surf board in hand in another, right wipe for him. We got to texting and Wednesday night he asked me for drinks. I was rather excited. What materialized Wednesday night, at my sister's door step was nothing short of an unkempt yeti. Having not set up a time to meet, I was shocked when just as we had arrived home from a long bike ride, there was a knock at the door. Faded salmon pants, long greyish hair, Gandalf beard, unannounced yeti. I scrambled to put my hair up and throw on a few more layers of deodorant and we were off. We headed to a bar, conversation was odd, he talked of loving pot, wishing Woodstock would have happened a bit later, and how terrible americans are. Winning. My vision of the sophisticated psychology professor I had texted was now much different. We headed off to a vegan diner, he's vegan, ya he kind of smelled like patchouli too, and for the record, vegan cheeseburgers don't taste like meat. Back into the car, and driving opposite the direction of my sister's house for a while, but I could take this guy so I'm not worried. "I was going to just take you for drinks, but you aren't awful so we are going somewhere special". That's a load off, I'm not awful! We pull up to the side of a river, (I was secretly hoping he was talking me to his house, which was a van down by the river, that would have made for a real good story), and he looks for something for quite some time, I offer to help he mutters something in German. Turns out he is looking for keys, and sadly not ones for his van, he has a garden on the outskirts of town with a little garden house on it and we were going for dessert. Quite charming, but no keys, so back to the bar to look for them, then to the vegan place, then to my sister's place, then back to the garden to see if they fell out of the car. No luck.  We chat for a bit, wander the garden in the dark, and conversation is actually quite nice. I am chilly, it is late, he takes me home. As he was drivin he says, "too bad I didn't find the keys, I was going [ to have so much yoga with you] it would have change your life". I inform him that wouldn't have happened even if we had found the keys, he informs me he is so sexy it would have and we can try in the car right then if I want. Right, winning. I decline having my life altered, he mutters, "your loss". He takes me home. At the door step and nice hug, I pull away to go inside, he pulls me back, touches my bottom lip with his thumb and I am thinking, "oh please don't try and kiss me, that beard is harboring things", and to my comfort, he doesn't, he just pulls my lip down, comes in close, then blows onto the inside of my lip! Not even sure how to react I just thanked him and walked inside. So quick recap: I wasn't awful, but did turned down life altering yoga, and had a man blow on the inside of my bottom lip. I have got to find greener pastures than this.

DBD#10 Snore Feast:he was tall, light, and handsome. Blue eyes that swallowed me. He had asked me to dinner at his place, and seeing he was tall but french...therefore I could take him....I agreed. I showed up all primped and ready, he had made a lovely spread. The conversation was a charming mix of english and french. We ate, then sat down for a movie. He hits play, I'm thinking I might get held if things go well, the trailers at the beginning start, and then I wake up to a blank TV. Yep. You read it right. I wake up, I have a blanket on, the hall light is on, and a note is taped to the TV:

"Monica, 
you looked so tired and are snoring so loud, I went to my friend's flat across the hall. Feel free to spend the night, text me when you wake up."

I wiped the drool of my face, found my shoes, then took a very awkward short walk home. Note to self, when meeting a stranger for the first time, nap first because falling asleep with a stranger isn't safe. Note #2 to self, when meeting a stranger for the first time, nap first because, "snoring so loud" will ensure you never get a 2nd date.

DBD #9 Noodles Feast: Ah I think this will be the first of many DBD here in Asia, don't worry you will hear about every single one :) At times I am a bit of an open book. Having 2 older sisters I didn't really talk until I was about 5, and then I was painfully shy until 23 {still am, I just hide it better} ....and so I talk non stop to make up for lost time. I don't have secrets, I am fine revealing my inadequacies, and I have no problems giving out personal details.....like this one: Tinder is a dating app, it is shallow. It shows you the how far away in miles someone is from you, and then a few pictures of them. You swipe left if you don't like them, right if you do, and if you like, and they like, you get to text each other.  This was the best modality I could locate for my situation here in Singapore. And then I went on this date: Australian, blond, tall, attractive. We met for dinner and one of the many amazing food centers here with food stalls all around:

"Okay what do you want? What sounds good"
"Oh tonight I am starving so anything but Korean food"
"Okay well go figure it out"

? huh? off I went not really sure with how this was going to work, do I find food then tell him what I want?  I looked back and he was literally on Tinder checking out other girls! I could see his phone. I made a quick loop, then came back to the table:

"Well what did you find? What looked good?"
"The prawn noodles looked great."
"Okay {awkward pause as he looks at me funny}....maybe you don't know how this works, one person gets their food, then the other person gets their food and then we both eat, cause we both have food."

In shock, I went to grab food, didn't have cash, they only take cash, so I found an ATM, then got my prawn noodles with 2 bowls so we could do this sharing thing he suggested. Went back to the table:

"Sorry it took a while, I didn't have any cash so I had to find an ATM."
"Well looks like you figured it out." {I wanted to punch him in the throat}

 He got up to get his food, I sat there looking into the prawns beady black eyes asking, "what am I doing here, this guys is awful!" He came back with only one plate. No sharing. I was giving him the benefit of the doubt, bad idea. He really was awful. Said how amazing his food was but never offered me to taste. He talked the entire time about his work, his need for more pages in his passport because he filled up the ones he had, his ex fiance, and how all divorced women are emotional wrecks. Before I knew it, my food was gone and I hadn't said a word. He got up, got a coffee, didn't offer to grab me, but when I came back said:

"you can get something to drink you know"


The date ended after that, we went our separate ways as the metro approached, he turned back and said:

" Let's do this again"
"We can't, I'm divorced, therefore an emotional wreck." 

Thank you Tinder and Chris for a lovely evening, and the first of many DBD's in Asia. {and I think Tinder should now pay me money for talking about them}

DBD Arrested Development: So AD is one of my favorite shows. You only love it after watching every episode.  There is so much, so funny about it. And it came to life for me a few weeks ago. Now I don't know if this counts as a DBD because, I actually went out with this guy 2x vs. the usual 1x for a DBD, but I will give a few details anyway. Dinner, movie, no sparks, no chemistry, he was really nice, really handsome, really strong, but there was nothing. He lifted up the arm rest in the theatre which is usually fantastic, but this time not so much, he went in for a kiss and I pretended to sneeze. And I kept my arms tightly folded so there was no confusion. I know, I know, as I age I am becoming more and more awful! But here is why I had a hard time, during dinner he told me his story....dad in prison due to some bad investments (they weren't his fault), assets frozen, aside from a few fancy cars, they have nothing of their old life of mansions, private planes, exotic vacations.  They all live close to each other or with their mom, and they are all waiting for the dad to get out, so they can get on with their lives. It's been 6 years. Arrested Development indeed. No on wants to go to college, no one wants a good job, no one wants to start a career because, "when dad gets out, they will see it was all a mistake and the $ will be paid back and we are going to start x,y,z and get our old life back". Mind you these aren't 14 year olds, they are all over 30 and everyone is holding on to the hope that the past will repeat.

I have been on dates with students, a CPA, a lawyer, a doctor, a dentist, a mechanic, a fireman, a teacher, an artist, an actor, a chef, a waiter, a clerk, a teller, and the jobless.....I don't care the profession or the amount in the bank so long as you are not waiting for life to happen. Life does have moving walkways you can get on and ride along the slow flat plane, but if you take the stairs, your legs might get sore, but the view is much better....and your calves and butt will be better too:) I do feel for their situation and mind block.

So that is the back story. But the real reason why it was a DBD is on the second date, while wearing a t-shirt that said "I'm with stupid" with an arrow pointing at his own face, and after misreading every sign and attempting to maul me, he whispered, "you must feel so lucky to have met me. I think I am your answer." At which point I racked my brain to remember what I was drinking when I asked whatever question I asked to have him as my answer. He said Monica _(his last name)__ had a nice ring to it. And that was my queue, exit stage left, never look back. After 48 text messages, and unfriending me on facebook, he called last week to see if in the past 3 weeks "distance had made the heart grow fonder", I gave him a few compliments and said sadly no. He informed me it was my loss and he was better than I ever deserved. He told me to loose his number, and to enjoy, "dying alone". Arrested Development folks....the show is much better and funnier than this story. This didn't have a Banana Stand, or a fake hand due to a seal attack.

DBD #7 Taco Feast: we were planning on going to a basket ball game. {nice I like sports} I was just going to meet him at his place and then we would drive over together. I showed up right on time, and he let me in....he had long curly hair, and a beard. From the pic he had sent he looked like a greek god, he should only ever take pictures with that camera, because what greeted me was the the same guy, but really not. Anyway, he invited me in and said he had to run upstairs and would be down in a minute. I sat in the kitchen and his house was really nice, clean, organized, only red flag was the lace table cloth with a plastic topper and piles of neatly clipped coupons. Next thing I know the back door opens and in walks a woman! "Holy crap he's married", was the first thought, then as she came into the light I realized she was much older.....hurray he lives with his mom. Come to find out in the 20! min he left me alone with his mother, he has always lived with her, can't seem to get a girl friend, but was really cute as a baby. Yep she showed me the pics. When he finally finished primping, I was a bit shocked, he had on purply knee socks, basketball shoes, a sweat band on his head, and a really terrible jersey. We were not going to A game, we were going to HIS game. Odd. I sat with all the wives as their middle aged husbands huffed and puffed down the court. The girls gave me tid bits about this guy I was being forced to watch.  Everything from the good the bad and the really really really ugly, was relayed to me, without prompting.  Game ended, he came over and gave me a super sweaty hug, and then said, "let's go grab dinner".  I was feeling a bit over dressed, mostly because I was sweaty or wearing purple knee high socks. Just as we are headed out, he turns and yells, "hey my girl Monica and I are going to grab Taco Bell, who wants to join us?" My girl? when did I become his girl? 3 men joined us. I went to dinner with 4 sweaty men who all through the "meal" talked about high school, and the previous 6 games which they had all lost, and most the conversation was in spanish. One more sweaty hug and I was on my way home.....but wait.....then came the text.....he had showered, wanted to know if I wanted to come back for a little, and I quote, "night cap" which was accompanied by him in his undies. They were red, he was hairy, so gross. I said no thank you. There was no second date.

DBD #6 Decorators Feast: Oh you thought they were done ?! silly you. So I know I said during February I would post about love, well this about the absence of love :) and it is so great. I think as long as I am single, I will continue to find dive bomb dates. I don't search for them, they find me. I think the universe knows I like a good joke. So last night....date was planned a few days in advance, he seemed nice enough via text, and then, I met him. Nice, so nice, like hummingbird food sweet nice, too nice. I could overlook that though :) Also 3 inches shorter than me and I was in flats. I could overlook that too :). He gave me a quick tour of his giant fancy house before we were going to leave for the movie, he had hand selected vinyl sticker quotes from Disney movies to go in every room! This would be hard to overlook :) He had a room custom painted and decorated as a nursery for when he got married and had a baby! This would also be hard to overlook :) There was more with the house, but the vinyl quotes and nursery are the highlights. So on to the movie.....wait why is he taking me down stairs? Wait, we are watching a movie here? Fine, I can overlook that. All of a sudden the movie comes on, Madagascar 3, it's a cartoon, and it isn't a joke, he seriously has picked this out!!! Can't really overlook that. I stay. 30 min into the movie he leans into hug me, smashes his cheek against mine, and I am thinking, "thanks for the free exfoliation, but really? if this is your big move, you should have shaved".  The cheek smashing is as far as it goes, when he is done, he takes my face in his hands and says, "it is taking all the restraint I have not to kiss you. I never kiss on a first date, it's a rule. I've only kissed 4 girls in my life and I would like you to be my fifth, just not right now". Hold up Casanova, you are 34 and you have only kissed 4 girls?  My, my, I don't think I can be your 5th. I am way too much for you. The movie ends, there is another long awkward hug, another cheek exfoliation, an offer for me to stay for a late dinner- that I politely decline- and then the best part. I go to put on my coat, my arm brushes the drapes, the top valence shifts a little and then he shoves me away from the drapes and says, "Whoa be careful. Those took me 2 hours to iron and position" I attempt to readjust the valence. "Whoa no no no I will get that, just don't touch anything." He goes in for one more hug, I go right for the door handle and say, "I think we are done here".  And thus ends another DBD story for your reading pleasure.

DBD #5 Supple Feast:  he came to the door and the only thing I thought was, "another LDSsingles deception! He looks nothing like his pictures". His pictures had promised a 34 year old stud, I got the underbaked, doughy version that was actually 26. He mentioned he had put a lot of thought into the artistic date. He liked to do something "artsy" on the first date.  I love artsy. Bring it on. Let's sculpt, let's paint, let's go to galleries. YAY! Moments later we were in the hospital parking lot, far far away from the traditional "artsy" ideas I had in my head.  He hands me a pack of post-it notes. We are going to leave inspirational messages on peoples cars. Kill me now. I was so uncomfortable! And it kept going. Wal-Mart parking lot, yogurt place parking lot, grocery store parking lot. Note after sticky note. I didn't want to make him feel dumb so I complied, but it was hard. An awkward hour and 47 min passed and we were back to my house.  As we walked to the door I noticed he was applying chapstick like it was his job. I knew for him there was only one direction, direct contact.  We got to the door.....there was a quick hug......he tried to linger longer in the hug but I broke away.....he said something, you know the usual, "well I had a great time" and then his eyes did that thing. You know what I am talking about, it is when the look switches from looking at your eyes to glazed over, focusing all  energy on the other person, it is the look that screams, "I am going to kiss you!" Well luckily I knew the look so I was prepared. He went in for the kill and I turned my head. Then, thanks to Sundance, I had the glorious excuse of getting to say that I had to go, because I worked at 4am that next day.  I went to walk in.....AHHHHHH the front door is locked! I knew he would want to walk me to the back and try again. Instead I just said, "Oh this one is locked I will go around. Thank you, goodnight." and I was off like a flash tripping, almost falling over the uneven ground in my boots, trying as I might and succeeding but looking like a fool, while quickly escaping a well moisturized kiss.

DBD #3 & 4 All American Feast: oh this one is my favorite! As a disclaimer the guy was really great, I was really excited, he was attractive, smart, funny, and then he dissed my hair, bad move jackass. Oh ya forgot to mention I will be calling him a jackass from time to time. We met at the restaurant and the first comment was:

"I broke my ban on women when I saw your profile on LDSsingles"
"so is that patriot hair?"
"what?"
"you know, you look like a pioneer or like a patriot soldier with that hair."
"um it rained and I didn't bring an umbrella so I had to put my hair up."

then he dissed my favorite perfume...as I leaned across to grab an extra napkin he inhaled and said:

"you smell like OFF"
"the mosquito repelant?"
"ya"
"well it's Geurlain from Paris and it is my favorite"
"well it smells like OFF"

So after insulting my hair, perfume, nails, it just kept going. Dinner wasn't all that bad, the restaurant was noisy so we didn't really get to talk but he did walk me to my car and we talked there. Oh did I say we talked I meant he continued to find flaws.

"um how old IS your car", "do you ever wash it" -no jackass in the 12 years I have owned it I have never washed it. "really your hair does look like a patriot"

It was also at this juncture that I found out he was 35, lived with his parents who used to be Miss America Judge consultants, and he had put off college to pursue a career in professional wrestling! And due to the association with Miss America all his life, it was then I realized without: chicken cutlets -those fake boob things-, eyelash extensions, a spray tan, spanx, bleached teeth, blown out hair, and airbrushed make-up, I would never never be "enough". He didn't care what I did, what I'd done, what I was passionate about, or what made me tick. To All America Feast I was simply a flawed object unworthy of his majesty. But don't worry a few weeks later he texted me and said while he wasn't interested in me in any way shape or form, if I wanted to be, I could be his "wing bit*h" and help him find a "hottie". Thanks but no thanks, I have a few toe nails to rip out after I pull out each leg hair individually because that just sounds more fun than shaving.

DBD #2 Fancy Feast: {because this is only the second one I will explain it again....DBD stands for Dive Bomb Date and I won't give all the details...just the funny ones :) } This past one wasn't nearly as good as the first....an Afghan funeral is hard to beat :)....and it should be said that I am truly flattered every time a man thinks he wants to get to know me. Now all the disclaimers are out of the way,

the texts:

"Dinner tonight? 7:30p"

"Sure, where"

"how do you feel about sharing food?"

"fine"

"good because I am not really hungry so I figured we can share a plate"

and all of a sudden I feel like I am an octogenarian. I need to have a good night so I headed off to the gym figuring I'd get ripped :) before dinner then give about 20 min to get ready. I get back from the gym to find his rendezvous text has come and the designated spot is 45+ min away {I later find out it is only 5 min from his house} and the only way you can get there is to take the toll road...so get this, he's not only not coming to pick me up but I have to drive an hour to him and pay tolls, and we are sharing food! I go anyway. I get there, as promised he is a brilliant scientists, nice enough, dressed like he just got out of a really really cold lab.....thick corduroy pants, warm shirt, shower sandals? He remains seated, I walk up, he says "hi", then mumbles some quirk about my hair, limited eye contact. He orders for us, as promised one plate. Food comes, looks amazing, I could eat 2 plates by myself I am starving and the waitress just brought me a teacup saucer as the second plate. He proceeds to cut every item in half and because my plate is so small he cuts up little bites and places them on my plate for me. At first I think it's a joke then it continues! I feel like the cat on the Queen of Sheba commercials, me and my fancy feast. He mumbles the whole meal and it is really hard to hear him so I say "I am sorry what did you say" a lot and I have to sit really close to hear even 12%. Dinner ends, we walk around. Conversation's awkward or maybe normal I can't hear it.

"so where did you park I have to work at 9am so you'd better go" -it is now 21:05 does he really need 11 hours of sleep?-

"I parked about 3 blocks from here"

"Okay well have a good night". And with folded arms my darling scientist in cords walks away and I walk back to my car, alone, starving, and in the dark only to drive 1hr and $4.25 home.

***this one is a little long, but also a little funny***

DBD #1 Afghan Feast: I don't share much....wait who am I kidding I have shared a lot. A lot about my divorce, a lot about my feeling, my likes, my dislikes, my inconsistencies, but I haven't shared much about my recent dates :) oh there are some real zingers! So as one who loves being single, but also LOVES men....from time to time I have decided to broaden my blopics (blog + topics = blopics) to now include dive bomb dates....DBD's {not BVD's although those are nice too :)} fear not I will never divulge names or relentlessly criticize my dates but some of the situations are just too good......

DBD1: Picture this cool Saturday night, I am in a short little sundress, tall espadrilles with beachy curls and sunkissed cheeks getting ready to meet my date setup by a friend.....a text comes:

"did you get my last text?"

"No"

"well we are having dinner with my brother and his wife, meet us there"

the only thing I will share about him is that: 1. when having a first date....pick a girl up, and 2. dinner with a family member is not the best idea. Our getting to know each other was trumped by his reminiscing with his brother about their past.

Now here is the ZINGER, he picked a very well reviewed afghan restaurant, we got there and the parking lot was packed! but no one was inside? Our server explained the owner's son was killed in a car accident a few days ago and the funeral was being held in the banquet room next to us {this instantly dashed the mood}. From then on the wait staff changed every so often why? oh because they were taking turns speaking at the wake! Server "A" would be gone for a while and then come back teary and say, "it was just so sad he was only 24, my best friend, such a good guy". Server "B" would be gone for a while then come back teary and say, "the car was just split in half, it was so bad, did you see the pictures on the news?". Server "C" would be gone for a while then come back teary and say, "the police said it was the worst accident they had seen in years on I-395". The food was amazing, {although I did secretly wonder if the food they recommended, which we in turn ordered, was actually the same food from the buffet next door} but it was hard to swallow when every few minutes you were met with the devastation a snuffed life brings, that and once again we were the only ones in the restaurant not at the wake in the banquet room. And to top it all off we were also the only ones @ the restaurant out of 300+ not praying on the tablecloths laid out in the parking lot as the sun set. Voila a great start to my sharing of DBD's.