***{I did it! This is my official last post on my divorce.... things are resolved and things are good,we've moved on but I thought I'd share just one more overly personal post on the mini saga that was the divorce of Monica and Nathan Fish}***
Clarity: 2 years ago I went to have my eyes checked...20/20 perfect as usual. Then 6 month later things were not that way! Went back in....hello Monica 4-eyes. When I put the glasses on for the first time, things were clear and it was wonderful to be back to business as usual. May 23, 2009 {yep my wedding day} everything was clear 20/20 but as time went on things got foggy and I don't think Nathan or I really noticed the extent. It's been almost a year since I moved out and things have been far from clear. There will be bright moments, but there is always this lingering haze of unknown even still between us. Well Wednesday changed that all. Recent events in a nutshell...he sent me nasty texts, I responded almost in kind, then decided living in fear of horrible texts was no way to live so I filed a restraining order. He was served then Wednesday we had to appear. I showed, he didn't because he lives out of state but he had sent a letter. Hours of waiting, court appointed attorneys and I could just feel my soul shrinking. The decision was made, his request for a phone hearing wouldn't be granted, he had to show up in person for the restraining order to go into affect and me to have my peace back. My heart sank. He had gone from a man I loved to a man I know feared seeing for only a minute in a matter of 1 year. What happened? I went home fell on the kitchen floor and sobbed. June 27th I would have to, he said she said, in court with him. I didn't want to see him. The attorney said my case was solid and the order would be granted, everyone said keep the court date. I went against what everyone said and stared my fear directly in the face, I picked myself up off the floor, mopped up the tears and dialed Nathan. At one time I love him dearly and I thought I would just one last time, give him the benefit of the doubt. "Hey it's me, can we talk?" -my voice is shakey and I am freezing even though it is 82 degrees- "Today has been crazy, I know you are at work but I need you to just listen Nate...." and 30 min later I had peace. I told him I was afraid, he said he had been wrong, there were misunderstandings, and he was so sorry, we acknowledged our lows, and our faults, we both said our sorry(s) and wished the other well. In a single, civil, much needed conversation, we both found more clarity than any court could have ever offered . Previous feelings of fear and complete devastation melted away, healing I didn't even know was needed happened, and things were back to business as usual between us. {it should be said that in some cases this is not the best route! In cases with more evidence and fear than I had, court may be the best route. I however had not had years of nasty Nate, I'd never been hit, or truly threatened so I opted to try my way} We are no longer in love, but I like to think after this we can still have love for each other. We hung up, I called the courts, told them I was dropping the order against Nathan, then I dropped to my knees again this time in gratitude that an end I had prayed for, a resolution I thought would be years in the making, only took a few minutes on the phone...and once again I had clarity. I can only hope it did the same for him.

***oh whammy here it comes, this is your warning, this is not rainbows and butterflies, this is a divorce post, I won't feel bad if you don't read it***

Cope: I was derailed for a minute today, I'd rather not admit it but I will. My darling little ex husband Nathan sent a stream of unwarranted, appallingly nasty texts that completely caught me off guard. {I will spare you the detail, albeit juicy}. Bless his h....his chest cavity where a heart should be. For a moment I was reminded of my life with him, for a moment I had some really lovely thoughts which were quickly dispelled as his texts exponentially worsened. And it was then I realized how dead I used to be to all of it. Funny how abuse is, to deal with it you just tune it out and you put it in the "Normal Marriage Behavior" folder in order to mask the issues because no little girl ever dreams of a marriage like that. No I never had physical bruises and my case is so far from the tragedies that both men and women face in unhealthy marriages, but I was deadened to some very bad behavior so that I could cope. I am elated that it shook me today because that means I have successfully moved on and the part of me that used to be, is no longer dead. I am back to my emotional "fighting weight" and feisty as hell. I was on the bottom for a brief moment today, a moment which ended when I was reminded {thanks GBM} that I am the one who controls where my power goes and lending power to a pain from the past is never a wise decision. Regardless of the situation, regardless of how much time has past, no one should ever have to cope with abuse and no one should tolerate it in any amount. That being said...

Dear Sender of nasty texts,

Enjoy your restraining order.

MK

{Divorce post coming at you but don't worry it's not emotional or mushy I just use the word once or twice}

Identity: our identity is who we are, it is what sets us apart, makes us unique. As a married couple you develop an identity, but it is crucial have your own individual identities as well. While being "one" and "united" is essential on many fronts, having a personal identity is so very important. "Married" is not who you are, it is a part of what you are. "Who" you are is an entirely different matter. Are you kind, patient, funny, short fused, service oriented, selfish around the edges, are you a closet couch potato, an in the shower singer, are you that person that pretends you are the orchestral conductor when a great song come on the car radio, do you dance in the kitchen, cry during Free Willy, secretly love the smell of permanent markers, are you afraid of the dark, do you swallow your gum, do you compulsively clean your car, bite your nails, or quietly fear the future, do you keep your fridge stocked with veggies because you like the idea but then weeks later end up with a crisper full of brown watery mess because idea and reality are 2 different things? You get my point. {and some but not all of those are part of my identity, I will let you guess which is which} Our quirks and loves and inconsistencies make us, us. When I got divorced I stopped doing all the things "we" did together because I was afraid it would hurt too bad. Some of the things we did, were also things I loved so in not doing them I allowed fear to govern my actions, and my identity suffered. As time has gone on I realized that is silly, I was crazy in love at one time and he and I did some great things together and I can still do those same things without him and without gobs of oozzy pain because I maintained my own identity. Here is a small list of things I avoided because I was scared, and the time it took to me to get over myself:

• Best Buy: 6 months upon my return, oh giant TV's how I love you and your 1080p/LED/65" glory, a girl can dream

• Buffalo Wild Wings: 2 months this was too long! I love wings! I love spicy garlic & can pound them like nobodies business

• Caps game on the glass: 8 months I go to Caps games all the time but I never sit on the glass even though I've had offers because that was an "us" thing....moron! it can also be a me thing. I adore hockey, I adore him for introducing me to it but it is okay for that to be "my" thing. Thanks Beh's for pulling me out of that slump! Laich I have missed seeing you up close and personal :)

So the moral of the story...I am learning not to let the fear of potentially stepping into the past for a minute, prohibit me from living life. Just because you shared something with someone you once loved does not mean it now has to be a faux pas or prohibited. Life is so that we may have joy and have it more abundantly and I feel that being true to your own person {and kick ass hockey seats with friends} brings that joy.

{FYI this is NOT a perky quirky funny post, give me a day or 2 to reset if you want that. Again this is not that kind of post. It is overly personal and a bit bitting but I have never been one who only shows the pretty, safe sides of life, my life and I are much too real for that}

Somewhat Pathetic: so I have mentioned my storage shed before. It is the 10x10 space where my life currently resides. I don't sleep there but all the things that visually define me do. Okay remember that....moving on....Yesterday was odd, a day that I don't have nor like to have often. It was a day when I felt so many emotions. Let's just list them off:

• happy: it started out great with breakfast at Eastern Market with Ruth and her darling nephew, Andrew David. We had a wonderful little morning. Then this happened: (?)
• lonely: so far from home, so alienated from so many of my friends due to being single again and living in DC vs. MD
• confused: I have no idea what is next. Back to school?back to restaurants?open the bakery?stay here?just screw it all and move to France and work with a chef there?
• hate: (and here is where it get's overly personal) yesterday I hated my ex-husband and I have never done that, I hated him for marrying me, I hated him for not trying in the end -even though the outcome would have been the same-, I hated him for moving on before it was over, I hated him for posting a photo with his new fiance and her kids on facebook , I hated the people (yes that's plural) who texted me to look on facebook because they felt I should know he had just changed his photo, and then I hated me for a minute for dwelling in the past and hating someone I once loved so dearly. I got over myself. ( and I don't really hate him)
• unsettled: I have no place to call home, no place that is all mine, where I can recharge and have peace. My space here in DC is perfectly located and I love it, but it lacks peace, lacks space, hence the above mentioned shed :)

With all these feelings I tried to get out, tried to get away, but I was exhausted from the week so I got in my car and drove to a scenic overlook maybe 5 min away to clear my head. (spoiler alert it's not that scenic, GW parkway lies a lot) I found some nail polish in my back seat so I painted my nails, then watched hulu on my cell phone while my nails dried-yes I am still in my car at this point in the story maybe slightly high from polish fumes- they dried, then I started driving again and found myself in a place that used to cause pain but now was somewhat of a solace. The storage shed. I had to switch out some clothes and grab a painting. The shed is my little secret no one has seen it, no one knows about it, no one can get to it. So there you have it...somewhat pathetic like I said. In a single day, I hated my ex husband for silly reasons, I painted my nails in the car, I found a little hope while maneuvering through a storage shed and thinking on some day. Oh and don't worry there were tears too but, in my defense, I haven't cried for months so I was due! I have never professed to being simple or making much sense but yesterday I was somewhat pathetic. So don't worry if you find yourself in this type of place, it is okay from time to time. We are human, we need to feel and push through the hard days that have no explanations.

Let go 2.0:Yesterday I was sitting in a movie with a dear friend, which movie ? (I value my reputation much too much to ever divulge that I was seeing a chick flick that rhymes with, The Cow). As a sat, a scene or two came across the screen and pulled on areas that are or were, unbenounced to me, still in remission. Funny how silly situations cause you to reflect, and look like a fool in doing so. I love the process of this life, as much as we try, we can't skip over steps, or rush the final product, we cannot completely control the rate of progression. I believe there are rules of the universe that cause us to be patient, that cause us to let go. Yesterday, looking like a complete fool as I was holding back tears in a scene that made everyone else in the theater smile (yes the lady next to me was staring like, "what is your issue?? Prozac much?"), I felt another layer heal shut as I allowed myself to feel enough to let go.

Final: today in pressed black pants and french twisted hair, I appeared before the judge and raised my right hand, swore to tell the truth and she asked:

"Were you married May 23, 2009"

"Yes"

"Do you reside in DC"

"Yes"

"Is the provided agreement a true representation of how properties are to be divided"

"Yes"

"We are restoring your name to Monica Kate Moore

M-O-O-R-E, is this correct"

"Yes"

"Let it be recorded on January 20th 2012 that I Justice Rankin.......

everything blurs and I am not sure how to feel, I am handed my original marriage certificate and the next case is called. The room widens, almost spins. Do I celebrate? Do I buy myself something pretty? Do I phone a friend? It's over and I don't know how to feel, I brewed some tea and went for a long drive. Today I did something hard, I cried with a dear friend then took a deep breath and said goodbye to past as I moved on.

Nothing: nothing prepares you for marriage, nothing prepares you for the day you realize your marriage is over, nothing prepares you for the chill you feel while talking to lawyers and filling out paper after paper in court offices, and nothing prepares you for the the phone call you get from him the day before your divorce becomes final wanting to verify that you will be in court the next day and that all is in order because he has gone ring shopping and wants to propose to the woman he's loved for 17 years.

*yep it's a divroce-esque post about how I am feeling, not going to apologize because this is my blog and I can write what I want, but just thought I'd warn you in case you don't want to hear about it*

Loss: last night I tagged along with my actor friend who had advance screening passes to an upcoming movie that was followed with a Q&A session with Patton Oswalt. It was interesting, a comedian turned actor gabbing about his new film that was artistic but not enticing enough to even make it onto my list of "films to see if you get a free redbox code". But all that aside, he did have something to say struck me enough that I wrote it down;

"Life is about loss. Turning away from it keeps you childish, only in facing it, will you move forward."

Patton you could not be more spot on. We must acknowledge and process the happenings of our life. Processing loss hurts. Loss of a job, loss of a friend, loss of a home. If you think I really want to look at the fact that this year I lost: a love, a companion, a dear friend, a confident, and a comforter, all in one fell swoop you have another thing coming. I don't want to think about the loss divorce has brought me, but I have. I have taken it dead on and I am finding peace in moving forward in my life.

Wounds: wounds are funny things, some you see right away because blood is gushing or bones are exposed, some are subtle and just present themselves when pushed or touched and you have to think, "how did I get this giant purple bruise". Some wounds are physical, some are emotional, they are just another part of mortal life.

Often during church I sing the songs, focusing on the notes or the alto/soprano/tenor part so I don't sing off key, I rarely focus and internalize the words. This past Sunday as I sang this verse:

As I search the holy scriptures,

May thy mercy be revealed.

Soothe my troubled heart and spirit;

May my unseen wounds be healed.

I heard the words, and I was touched. I am private about my religion because it is not something I do to fit in or be cool, (and not many think being Mormon is cool but I sure do!) I am not Mormon because my mother and father are, I am not Mormon because I was told to be or pressured into it, I am Mormon because it gives my life purpose, it restore my hope in each day, being Mormon is not something I do, it is who I am. The knowledge and wisdom I have gained about myself and how I fit, are some of my most precious possessions. Now that being said back to the song, I was drop kicked a few times this past year and my "bruises" were well hidden by a smile and a cheery voice, it was all I could do to continue so as not to focus on the hurt. However, every wound must be addressed and healed in order for progression. I wasn't about to broadcast my situation because there were too many unsure variables, so I just went about my days. Last Sunday as I sat in church, tears were held back as I sang that song, because I realized my unseen wounds were being healed because among other things, I was reading an amazing book and it was changing me.

Rebound:yes I am doing it again, unloading little details about my personal life...when you get divorced, people out of pure curiosity, always! want to know the reason. In my case, some people asked if I had an affair, spoiler alert [! hell no], but if I had known this stuff existed I may *have.

Meet Boylan, my newest addiction/rebound. Isn't he dreamy....

and he pairs so well with nachos and **these:

*yes I know you can't have and affair with creme soda, and yes I know a love for creme soda won't end a marriage. Thanks

**no I am not binging on crap and blowing up like a ballon, I just happened to have these recently and thought they deserved recognition.

*warning personal dumping and more info that you probably wanted in the following post*

Lighter: I was in ballet a few days ago and I was doing a little across the floor sequence when the teacher stopped me...I hate it when they do this!......"you will be lighter if you look up, that last time you looked at the floor and hardly came of it, try again. Now ladies watch the difference..." With my theoretical tail between my legs I headed to the corner of the room to repeat my previously flawed action, correcting it with simple ocular elevation. Doubtful much would change I followed instruction and the results were surprisingly as predicted; I gained 8 inches of vertical lift by simply shifting my focus. The last few months my focus has been on the floor, I have been heavy. Making difficult decisions, thinking hard thoughts, moving my life into a storage shed, and looking at his sleeping face the morning I left him and thinking, "I want to wake you up and tell you what is coming, but I can't." And then leaving, feeling like a monster because nothing was even said, no verbal, "FYI tomorrow I will be gone". I was told I was a runner, a quitter, a coward, a shell of a human. I focused on the "floor" and felt this way, heavy with no lift. There were lawyers, calls, texts, wanting to be my best but somehow coming up sub-par for the course more than I wished. It wasn't all him, it wasn't all me, it wasn't 1 thing. I was a body of severed limbs sinking in a hungry shark tank, and then I started to shift my focus. The ground will always be the ground, there will always be a low, it is a universal law. However, knowing the ground is there and focusing on its' existence are 2 different things. You must understand your opponent to appreciate the fight. "Lift-off" cannot happen when your gaze is down.

Overly Personal: if you don't like person info and you just want surface "this is what I like, this is what I eat, this is what I want" then just check back in a few days when I have one of those....that is not today !

Have you ever cried* so hard you induced vomiting? Not saying I did ;) but if you did on George Washington Memorial Parkway in DC and you had to frantically find a small space to pull of on so you didn't ralph in your car and everyone was honking and slowing to watch you ralph....this may be your cure. B vitamins to combat the stress that sucked you dry and made you a disaster in the first place, and then chocolatey caramel stuff-reminder you don't even like chocolate- because it was just above the B Vitamins at CVS. Take lots and tomorrow will be better, or so I am hoping.

*it needs be noted that this is not a normal thing, I don't cry certainly not like that! and I don't normally binge on drug store candy but every "normal" has an exception.

out·growthNoun/ˈoutˌgrōTH/

1. Something that grows out of something else.

2. A natural development or result of something.

Thank you dictionary. Outgrowth...outgrowing is something usually reserved for conversations about children or homes: she outgrew her toddler bed, he outgrew his training wheels, we outgrew this space the moment we moved all our stuff in, you get the idea. It is not a new concept, as the dictionary describes it is simply something growing out of something else: a home, a bed, juvenile habits. What the dictionary lacks however is explaining that outgrowth is painful.

As a child I vividly remember these red patent t-strap shoes. I was 2 maybe 3 and when I outgrew them I would wake up everyday and try to squeeze my feet into them, everyday got worse. I was sad.

I got a dress from Broadbent's in Lehi when I was 8, it was a teal floral number with perfect little tulip sleeves. It was the first dress I remember getting for no reason. It was not easter, there wasn't a sale, I had just gone in with my mother and she let me have it all $23 of it. I wore it to my piano recital the day I broke my arm -for the second of five times-. I was in secret tears the day I slipped it on and not only was it above my knees by I couldn't zip it. It was the prettiest thing I'd owned in my 8 little years of life and outgrowing it was so hard.

Time passes of course and the things we outgrow get more serious and at times more difficult to handle. Remaining is what is easy and safe, outgrowing is frightening and new. I outgrew my ugly stage (i hope), I outgrew cheating at monopoly, I outgrew a boyfriend or two, a fiance or two. As a baby chick grows eventually it will have to push through it's egg's shell. Once out, the chick will be so happy, so fluffy. However for those few minutes that chick is pushing out of it's shell I am sure it is not happy. It is work and it is hard and it sometimes doesn't really seem all that worth the struggle. That is me today...realizing my "shell" is no longer sufficient for me, and pushing through seems hard and I think I might be bit scared because I don't know what the world will look like on the other side.

Expectations

My entire life I have heard to never compare myself to others.....ya right, can't help it. The past few weeks have left me a bit numb(?) as I have selfishly spent too much time looking at how old I am and wondering: is this what I wanted to do? didn't I want kids by this time? didn't I want a PhD? didn't I want to have a few more stamps in the passport? didn't I want to have completed 2 triathlons and be able to speak 5 languages? and then I found this......

we must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us

{joseph campbell}

and I felt a little better. I am not sure how "willing" I am (ask anyone and they may say I am more stubborn or headstrong) however, I have created a little niche and while it has evolved from my juvenile life plan, it suits me just fine.

Love vs. Convenience

Love and a love for convenience are mistaken and the later sometimes leads to a marriage, rarely do they last. Being a wife in love is great. You always have a date on Friday night, you never wake up alone, you have someone to come to, you have someone to share in your memories, you have someone on your side who will defend you and protect you, you have a hero. Being a wife in love is great. Being a wife in love with convenience appears great but fades. You always have a male in the house on Fridays but that doesn't mean you will date, you have a body next to you when you wake but that doesn't mean you aren't alone. You have someone to share your memories but do they really care? You have someone at your side, but is he ON your side. Will he defend, will he protect, will he be a hero or is he simply your love for convenience? Was it a decision you made because you thought there was no one else who would love you? Because you were tired of being alone? Because all your friends were married with babies on the way and all you had was a dog/cat/houseplant? It is nice to have health insurance and car insurance, and a little place to call your own, it is nice to have a joint checking account, a vacation planned, and a ring on the once lonely left hand finger. It is nice to have pictures of a wedding and coasters that have your new last name's initial on them, it is nice to have men's shirts hanging next to your dresses in the closet and a lingering smell of his cologne long after he's left for work. It is nice to unpack a Christmas ornament that in Times Roman states "Our 1st Christmas" with some date, it is nice to have 2 toothbrushes in the holder, and your side of the bed. It is nice to be 2, a couple, us, we. But is it love or love of convenience? When lights go out and work is done, when he is lying next to you fast asleep what runs through your mind? Is having him there making you a better you? Is being "us" still allowing you to be "you"?