While speaking to a group at Harvard Business School, Elder Anderson mentioned that it's always easier to see the Lord's hand looking back.  I agree, but I also think there are times when you see His hand every minute, of every day. I am a firm believer He is always mindful of us, but I think there are certain times when He bumps us to the front of the line, the ICU, the round the clock watch.  From about March 2011-Feb 2012 I think I was on that "list".   I am and was grateful for His careful nurturing, but thankfully those times are gone. Now I am just in the "normal" lot and if I am careful, I see His hand once in a while: 

• It came as an evening with Ruth, we had nachos and laughed so hard we cried 
• It came as a Taco Tuesday with the Melissa's, they never knew what was beneath the surface, they didn't need to, I just needed them to be there
• It came as a bundle of moving blankets and tape from Laura + 2 kids who showed up unprompted when I had no idea what I was going to do
• It came as extra muscles from Dave and Melissa when I knew I couldn't pack one more box
• It came as a hug and a, "I've been thinking about you" from Leigh
• It came as a text from a friend in Boston
• It came as a phone call after work from Wendy
• It came as in invitation from Devin and Stephanie
• It came as a relayed message from Teresa that @ the baby shower I missed, the Vanbibber crew asked about me and sent their love.

There are pages and pages and pages of examples in all of our lives, those listed were the first that came to my mind. I think everything happens for a reason and sometimes, without a shadow of a doubt, I am positive, He is behind it, He is the reason.

Snore: so I am watching a movie with a friend, I hear this weird noise and after a while I look at them and say, "do you hear that?" they are laughing.....they look at me and say, "are you serious? you are snoring!" after that I remember watching the movie but not really processing it.

And this was not the first time! This is my 3rd offense in the recent past of me snoring with my eyes open. I would like to thank Sundance for working me like a dog.

So I think I may have mentioned that I work a lot! So because of that I don't have many good stories :( and the ones I do have are about work! -or men :)- so here is more work:

{strawberry souffle, with strawberry "paper", and strawberry macaron, garnished with dark chocolate and spun sugar on the berry....that you can't really see}

Art: Yesterday another chef at work asked me why I thought the french hated the americans. Drawing on my decade plus love affair with the country and my few years living there, I could only think of one reason: for americans life is a race, for the french, life is art.

The french take hours to savor food, a break during the day for a nap, and then a long stroll as dusk approaches.

Americans drive-thru doing their best to keep the mustard of the dry-clean only's, when that afternoon haze sets in we pop a 5-hr energy or another espresso, and at night, we wind down with CNN, ESPN, or Fox News.

The french realize that life will happen and that not only recognizing, but savoring the small moments will be enough. Preserve the old, cherish tradition

Americans try to cram mass quantities of everything into every moment. Fast paced movies, enormous meals, if it's old tear it down, where is the newest trend....adopt it ASAP!

{mind you I realize these are almost naive stereotypical generalizations but you get the point}

I don't know if one way of living is better, there are certainly massive pros and cons to both lifestyles, however, I tend to err on the side of racing more than living some days, and I think I could use a little more life as art in my life.

Red Velvet: @ Sundance there are 3 ski shacks that we make treats for every morning. And every morning the the bearded rough and tumble employees who work there come to pick up their treats. Well all are rough and tumble except one, Creek Side Guy. He of course works at the Creek Side shack and I know his name but I refer to him as Creek Side Guy.  He is simply lovely, curly hair, giant smile, piercing teal eyes, 6'3", and he probably has a girl friend, but we shamelessly flirt with anything male that comes through the kitchen, because we have been there since 4am and it is the only fun we get. So, back to the story.....CSG comes in yesterday and this time he lingers. He says, "it is warm and always smells good down here, maybe I should come hang out here more often" ...and I am thinking, "yes yes yes hang out here!!" but I don't say that. In a nonchalant way I say, "whatever" and then I flash a little side smile and a wink. Good move right :). It is at this point I walk 2 steps and turn on the mixer {so he can see me work pastry magic} and in the anxious, I am so awkward and I generally suck at flirting, madness that was going on, I forget to check the mixers speed. And you guessed it, it is on high, I need it on low!, so when I turn it on, red velvet cake flies everywhere, but mostly on me, my face, my chef coat, my hair.  Smooth move MK. CSG laughs uncomfortably, and not knowing really what to do, he exits stage right.

Bacon: they asked for bacon so I gave them this: bacon infused whited chocolate mousse with raspberry gelee. Yep that is chocolate covered bacon on top. I think bacon is a bit over used and slightly too kitchy in desserts, but they asked for it.....and I kind of love how it turned out :)

DBD #6 Decorators Feast: Oh you thought they were done ?! silly you. So I know I said during February I would post about love, well this about the absence of love :) and it is so great. I think as long as I am single, I will continue to find dive bomb dates. I don't search for them, they find me. I think the universe knows I like a good joke. So last night....date was planned a few days in advance, he seemed nice enough via text, and then, I met him. Nice, so nice, like hummingbird food sweet nice, too nice. I could overlook that though :) Also 3 inches shorter than me and I was in flats. I could overlook that too :). He gave me a quick tour of his giant fancy house before we were going to leave for the movie, he had hand selected vinyl sticker quotes from Disney movies to go in every room! This would be hard to overlook :) He had a room custom painted and decorated as a nursery for when he got married and had a baby! This would also be hard to overlook :) There was more with the house, but the vinyl quotes and nursery are the highlights. So on to the movie.....wait why is he taking me down stairs? Wait, we are watching a movie here? Fine, I can overlook that. All of a sudden the movie comes on, Madagascar 3, it's a cartoon, and it isn't a joke, he seriously has picked this out!!! Can't really overlook that. I stay. 30 min into the movie he leans into hug me, smashes his cheek against mine, and I am thinking, "thanks for the free exfoliation, but really? if this is your big move, you should have shaved".  The cheek smashing is as far as it goes, when he is done, he takes my face in his hands and says, "it is taking all the restraint I have not to kiss you. I never kiss on a first date, it's a rule. I've only kissed 4 girls in my life and I would like you to be my fifth, just not right now". Hold up Casanova, you are 34 and you have only kissed 4 girls?  My, my, I don't think I can be your 5th. I am way too much for you. The movie ends, there is another long awkward hug, another cheek exfoliation, an offer for me to stay for a late dinner- that I politely decline- and then the best part. I go to put on my coat, my arm brushes the drapes, the top valence shifts a little and then he shoves me away from the drapes and says, "Whoa be careful. Those took me 2 hours to iron and position" I attempt to readjust the valence. "Whoa no no no I will get that, just don't touch anything." He goes in for one more hug, I go right for the door handle and say, "I think we are done here".  And thus ends another DBD story for your reading pleasure.

Ya Buddy : the Tree Room changes tasting desserts every week, last week I did a little of this. .... cabernet poached pear with a sugared phyllo crust, creme fraiche ice cream with caramelized hazelnuts, and a little balsamic reduction.  {the pictures are crude, sorry} I love fancy desserts.  

LOVE

February has begun, and so all of my post this month will consist of something to do with love......why? because valentine's day is my favorite holiday and I love love!! And here is a picture, the last one I took before leaving DC, with me and one of the 3 littles I love, love and miss every day!

I have mentioned it before, but I thought you might like to see what I see when I take, "mountain breaks". You see in the kitchen, you never sit down, you don't take lunch breaks, you don't do anything but scale, bake, boil, wash, rinse and repeat. Therefore, almost everyone smokes because it gives them a reason to walk away from work.  They clear their minds while clogging their lungs....I clear my mind while staring at these amazing mountains. {just look past the trucks}

Realization: I realize our Utah winter is only about half done, and I am not complaining. I love the fluttering of fluffy flakes in the air,  the tracks left by the deer in the orchard, the crackling as feet break through fresh snow. I love bundling in mittens and scarves, and red noses from the frost, but after seeing this today:

I realized a quick dip in an outdoor pool, followed by a siesta in the sun, would be lovely.

A day in the life of the pastry chefs @ Sundance:

4am - alarm goes off and you want to throw it across the room and then you realize your alarm is your phone so you don't
4:02 - pray that the hot water from the shower will wake you
4:09 - water didn't work, so you pray the mascara you are putting on will make you look awake
4:12 - shuffle through the pants on the floor hoping to find a clean pair
4:15 - down in the kitchen to grab vitamins, protein shake, chef shoes
4:20 - in the car, holy crap my buns are frozen on this seat! holy crap this steering wheel is so cold!
4:25 - DEER SWERVE
4:25.5 - glad I peed before left
4:37 - open protein shake....wait I left it on the counter, again!
4:50 - arrive @ Sundance. The mountains glow that early
5:00 - chef coat on, oven preheated to 300, hands washed
5:05 - 6:50 - pull and bake the orders for the deli, and ski shacks (Bearclaw, Creekside, Backstage)
6:55 - walk outside to inhale and look at the mountain. Mountain Break
7:05 - someone says something so funny we have to stop working because we are laughing to hard our eyes are squinty and knives and laughing squinty eyes don't mix.
7:45 - 8:00 refix hair, put on lipgloss, switch apron to the clean side then wait for Creekside guy to pick up his order while looking super busy :) 6'3", brown curly hair, piercing green eyes, shiny smile, and he's got a girlfriend but we don't care, we just want to look, look long, not touch. Sometimes we drool
8:01 Mountain Break
8:04 - 11:26 make doughs, pies, cheesecakes, bread puddings, bits of chocolate wonder, sauces, tuiles, creme brulees, creams, muffins, croissants, etc etc
11:26 Mountain Break
11:30 - 12:00 clean like MAD before the Tree Room chef comes in. We share a kitchen with them.
12:01 the door slams, we get really quiet,  Chef Park is in the building. He isn't grumpy just serious, and the door just sounds angry when it closes behind him.  He doesn't say much, just glances our direction.
12:02 - 3:00 try really hard to keep the uncontrollable tired laughter at bay as we finish the mis en place for Tree Room and The Grill and prep for the banquets tomorrow.
3:04 chef coat and apron in the laundry, head to the car
3:05 - 3:35 catch up on calls I missed @ work and make a really fun plans with mom for when I get home
3:36 stuff my face with whatever is in the fridge
3:46 carry the one more box of my stuff from the living room down/up stairs
4:00 head up to my room to start organizing but I lay down on the bed for a second instead
9:00 wake up and wonder what the heck happened!
9:02 go talk to mom and dad who are laughing hysterically because I did it again, fell asleep after making a great plan
9:45 bed, this time for good ;)

Year 1 Done and Done: I think of all that has transpired in this past year and it is hard for even me to process everything that went on, and it was my life! There are many days that my mind holds fast to, two of which are back to back, Jan 20, and Jan 21st. 

Jan 20th a year ago today, I got dressed, tried to calm my heart, and headed to the family divorce court in DC for the very last time to settle all the loose ends and completely finalize my divorce from Nathan. After it was done, after the last signature, the last testimony, the last, "yes your honor, no your honor", I maintained composure until I got to my car and then I lost it! 3.5 years of memories crammed into that car. 3.5 years of laughter and tears and love and loss. I can still feel the air, it is so thick. So today I called Nathan, yep I did. I just wanted to see how he was. Yes we are divorced, but by some stroke of God's love for us, we have remained friends. He is doing well, happy with life, happy with a new job in Texas, and I am happy for him, happy that there once was an us, and happy that we chose to become separate us's. So back to me in the car by the court house, I wiped my eyes. and then I started driving, and I didn't stop until I got to Cleveland. Which takes me to day #2 that I will remember.

Jan 21st.  A year ago today I was waking up in Cleveland, going in to snuggle with Gable, and then it just popped out, "I love you". Now I get what you are thinking, rebound much MK? Divorce was final 24 hours earlier, shoot! But that is not it at all. My marriage was over long before I ever thought about divorce, and my divorce was over, not finalized (DC is weird like that) but over, before Gable came into the picture. He was not a rebound. He was simply my Gable, who quickly helped me in restoring all the pieces of me that had decayed and atrophied. Today I talked a little text into my phone to him {yes it is totally safe, I was just talking, my eyes were on the road, and I would only glance down at the red lights}. We of course are no longer, but there were 10 months of bliss. With him in Boston and residency, and me in Utah and Sundance, things just don't really mix. They say you can always make time for love and distance shouldn't be a factor, they say love waits and to follow your dreams, they say a lot of things. I don't think either of us knows what happened. We never fell out of love, I think we just got scared that love came so quickly. 

Anyway that is not my point. I don't really have a point this is simply my telling you about 2 big days in my life that happen to be back to back, the day I got divorced and the day I realized I really really really loved again. Voila.  Life, you are a tricky, twisted, sometimes sick puppet master. 

Cause baby it's cold outside!: I went on a little walk with Kenza, a walk from my parent's house to my grandma's house, a walk of maybe 300 ft. round trip. About 127 ft into our walk poor Kenza stopped moving forward and was only standing on 2 legs. Her paws were frozen, and seeing as she is fancy, she knew this wasn't acceptable so she waited for me to rescue her, and rescue her fat little stalky body I did. I finished the walk carrying Kenza and the bad of goodies from Grandma Lil. Needless to say, she IS fancy, too fancy for Utah winters, so I shipped her fancy face off to Bakersfield to winter in the warmth with my sister's family. I will miss this:

Kenza trying to get as close as she can to the heater vent Kenza, ever stalwart, guarding me as I snore like a banshee 

 

Kenza guarding the Villa like it's her job  Kenza constantly between someone's feet

 

But as you can see, Kenza is delighted to be working on her tan. And yes she is learning to share her dog bed with Bella.

See you in the summer my rumpled face friend of 5 years

Month 1 done and done:it has been one month since I arrived in Utah. One month since I left my 3 darlings in DC, started work @ Sundance, one month since I closed a very, very dear chapter in my life. And the general feeling is .....great.  My darling DC apartment is replaced by: the same room I used in High School {yes it looks the same, not because my parents had a shrine for me, but because it was charming when I was in high school. No band posters, no I heart the New Kids/Backstreet Pre-pubescents paraphernalia, no trendy fuzzy hearts on the bathroom mirrors. It's not so charming now! there are boxes of my stuff everywhere.}. My jetta is replaced by: a luxury SUV with a heated steering wheel.....no I didn't get a new car, I just can't get mine up the canyon in this much snow so I have to use my dad's, thanks dad :).  The 3 little darlings that used to be "work" are replaced by: 3, 60 qt. mixers, 3 giant ovens, stainless as far as the eye can see, white noise from the radio in the corner, and not nearly as many, "I love you Ica" 's. I feel like I have been here for months, maybe it is because my typical work week is 86 hours? maybe it is just because this move was meant to be and the timing and the job and the new old room are perfect? maybe I don't known all the reason, but this first month has been great and it is done and done!

Essentials and Contents: I love to consider the evolution we each make in our lives. I am approaching 1 month here in Utah, and already the evolution has been very apparent. 

Just a few months ago my "essentials" were: long walks, early 6am mornings before the city wakes up, weekly ( if not daily) chats with mom, cute outfits, fancy hair, frequent trips to Annapolis to clear my head, a few shows on hulu, take as many pictures as possible....I was a single girl in DC, these things made sense. 

These were my essential today: bun on head as usual so hair is not in food, deodorant....sometimes it happens that @ 4am I forget, clean socks and chef pants that don't completely reek of kitchen, breakfast ... don't leave it on the counter again, you will end up eating cookie dough for breakfast, at least one break to walk outside and look at the mountain....just don't take too long because you have cakes in the oven, potty break....don't try "hold it" for 12 hours, yes the board is full of orders but they can wait 27 seconds. In a short 4 weeks all my "essentials" have changed. 

Just a few month ago the contents of my purse was this: wallet, keys, perfect lipgloss, cute sunglasses, a  secret treat for my 3 littles, eyebrow pencil for quick touchups, phone, and a planner.

Today I dumped out my bag to find my keys, and the contents was this: gum, recipe book, 5 sharpies, 3 pens, 30 some-odd bobbie pins, burn cream, waterproof bandaids, yogurt I remembered off the counter but forgot to put in the fridge and/or eat, streusel from the top of the pie I carried with me home from work, and finally my keys :)

I am alright with evolution. 

I need to tell you a story, then show you a picture, then tell you another story, and end with a picture. 

In November, Kenza and I flew home for Thanksgiving. Little did I know I would get offered a job, I would accept it, and I would leave Kenza in Utah while I packed up my life in DC. Well, that happened and Kenza was sad for a few days and then got over it. Which leads me to the pictures:

  

My giant storage POD came yesterday. In it, my life in material possessions. I secretly wish they would have lost it so I wouldn't have had to unpack! Anyway they didn't, back to the story. I am now in the same location as Kenza. Permanently. However, the sight of boxes and me moving all my stuff has sent this little smashed faces canine into a nervous wreck. She follows me around the house with one, sometimes 2, of her toys in her mouth and she whines this soft little whine all the time! It is as if she is saying, "I have my stuff, take me with you!" My mom said when I left for work this morning Kenza went nuts! So all the nerves have worn her out and she is now just a sad lump on my bed:

I really didn't think dogs could have expressions, until I saw this.

{this one is a personal one, really personal, it reads like a romance novel at first, but my blog, my stories....don't judge. It will be the first post where I use the word sex, you're an adult, relax}

I was flattered when he asked for my number, even more flattered when he used it. Tall, handsome, strong. We went to a movie, I wore stripes, he kissed me {it was mind blowingly good}, a few dates later he said I was, "adorable". Born and raised in Boston, he had a charming little accent.  We talked for hours, we texted a few times, we laughed about a lot, he kissed my kitchen burns, I was enjoying every minute. ....every minute until I had to put my money where my mouth is. We were just sitting down after a lovely dinner and he leaned in, kissed my neck, and then asked, "so when do I get to have sex with you?" He is irish catholic, I am Mormon. I thought he knew. "Um not for a really long time, I don't want to have sex again until I am married again." His face looked like I had just told him I had single handedly slaughtered his entire family, then taken his dog to the pound, only to be adopted by a family with 13 germy, misbehaved children. him:"Are you serious? You don't have sex before you are married? How do you even know if you like the person? Wait, you had sex with your ex before you married him right?" ..me:"No I didn't actually". him:"Well no wonder he didn't come after you when you left, you wouldn't let him touch you before you got married! {that hit like a wrecking ball} I think you are fascinating, lovely, a really wonderful girl, but I can't do this unless I get to have sex with you." I was waiting for the, "just kidding", the wink, the "gotcha" but they didn't come. He was serious. He just starred at me. "Seriously I can't do that, I can't this. I am here if you need me for anything, but I can't do this." He sat up straighter, he took his arm off my leg, his eyes changed. He turned cold. My hear sank, I felt all hot and panicy. I started to cry {I never cried before the divorce, now...oh I am a pro!}I felt like he just found out I had a very contagious skin eating bacteria. I thought every non-mormon in Utah knew. I felt completely responsible for not being crystal clear. This one was my fault. It had only been 2 weeks with him, but never the less, we had clicked. We just sat there, I tried to disguise my tears, he tried to mask his astonishment. me:"I am so sorry, I thought you knew." More was said, but in the end I left before the movie. I left a little crushed. I am not perfect, my life has not been lilly white, but that night I put my money where my mouth was and I was amazed that someone who I think I could have really liked and who could have really liked me, wanted nothing to do with me the moment he found out he wasn't getting sex. Sometimes I wear rose colored glasses, sometimes I turn a deaf ear to the things in the world that aren't ideal and lovely..... well this wasn't lovely and it hit me like a fog horn inches from my ear drum.  I am not ashamed of who I am but I am surprised that people who don't share my ideals sometimes see me as an oddity, a twisted-the-wrong-way curiosity. I am sure I am not the first to feel this way, I am sure he is not the first to react this way, but I really did  think it would be a little easier.

4am: It has now been almost 3 weeks here in Utah. My hands are all chappy from the mix of dry weather and constant sanitation practices, sometimes they bleed-don't worry on those days I wear gloves-, burns taint my once lovely arms, I fell asleep while using the Sundance bathroom yesterday, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I am a die hard romantic @ heart. I am sarcastic and sharp at first glance, but at the end of the day I am just gooey.  I think there is something so romantic about my life at this moment {and no it is not some hot man, and yes I live with my parents....that's not it either!}. I get up every morning at 4a, by 4:15a I am out the door for a dark yet serene drive. I am the only car on the road, and while I am awake, the day is not. I usually drive in silence, deer dot the roads, the snow glistens as my headlights shine around the mountain curves. It's only been 3 weeks but the routine is set: I turn past the Sundance sign and pull into the upper lot, I brace myself for the temp change, get out, lock the car, and take a deep, chilly mountain air breath. I waddle to the kitchen door, taking care not to slip, then I turn on the oven to 300 degrees,  clock in, button the crisp, white chef jacket and tie the apron just so, pull hair up, wash hands, and then the magic happens. The mixers whirling, flour's in the air, there's a faint clanking of pans from the other kitchens, then the intoxicating smell around 6:30a, as the croissants are taken out of the oven, the chocolate has melted, and the dough for tonight's rolls is already in the proofer {it's a hot little steamy box for breads and pastries to help them rise quicker}. The hours fly by as the kitchen gets louder, the ski crews come and pick up the pastries for up the mountain, security strolls in for their daily bowl of fresh granola and a Mello Yello, the banquet staff comes down to harass us {they don't know our names, they just call us all bonita, and howl when we walk by}, and if we are lucky, we won't see the kitchen mouse, who has evaded all manners of trapping. There is scrubbing, and suds to handle to flour that escaped, a quick mop, and then the jacket is off, the time card is swiped again,  I walk out, and somedays, it is the first daylight I have seen. Hours from now, it will all start again......and on most days, I can hardly wait for my 4am.

Gingerbread Magic: it is a little known fact that I am painfully shy. Social situations make me soooo nervous, but I get over them with my humor, and if I am lucky there will be a punch bowl I can hover around.  I usually tag along with a friend, but sometimes, you have to do it all on your own.  Over Christmas I got to decorate the gingerbread houses over in the Sundance Resort General Store.  At first I was a titch mortified, all those rich skiers watching me! What if I messed up, what if the designs in my head didn't transfer to the houses, what if, what if, what if. But there was no time, so up from the bowels of the Sundance kitchens I went, armed with 2 blank houses, bags of royal icing, and a few cake tins of the bits and pieces of colorful splendor I could find in the bakery. It started out rocky, my hands were shaky, heart was pounding, then I saw him....a beautiful face. It was a saving grace, not because it was handsome {but that helped} but because I knew I could get his attention.  I said, "get over here and help me" and I winked at his bystander friends. Wouldn't you know it, this total stranger came over and stuck on a candy cane. Then a little boy, maybe 6, who couldn't keep his eyes off it, he stepped up on my bended knee and placed the yellow gumdrops, then 3 sisters who placed the pretzels, a grandfather, a couple on a date, a skier, a group of friends out for lunch....and so on. Whoever gazed for more than a moment was caught in the wonder and helped with the creation. Before I knew it the houses were done and they had been touched by almost 100 unexpecting hands.  The houses were better than I had anticipated, and what had began as my worry, had turned into splendor. They may have been more crisp and exact had I done them in the quiet of the kitchen at 5am, but they would have been void of life.  My own life would be so crisp and exact if I were alone, but oh the joy, personality, and wonder that comes when it is touched by others.  Merci mes amis. 

{the 2 on the left were the houses I did with the help of the Sundance guest'}