Beach Wedding? Really

So Saturday morning came around 5:45am and I thought, "yes stay in bed all day, you have no commitments. you can go to the market, read a book, shave your legs, organize your hard drive" and next thing I knew I was shuffling about for a swim suit, sunscreen, yoga pants, and shades. I jumped in the shower, shaved my legs (1 thing off my original list), cut up mangos, smelly French cheese, and celery-because that was all that was in my fridge- and before I knew it I was on the road. Lewes, DE my favorite non-exotic exotic location. Quick stop at Food Lion for some water and a People magazine and I was there, at the end of the 404 right by the Dairy Queen on the beach by 8:30.

8:30 is a titch early but I wanted to beat Bay Bridge traffic, mission accomplished. I set up for the day and half way into Jaycee Dugard's hauting People article this happened....

Beach wedding. Charming? Well.....Lewes, DE is as mentioned before not exotic. It is the first city in the first state but the sand is rough, the water is murky, the Ferry is constantly honking upon its arrival or departure, and if you get married here you might have the lifeguards doing their morning bikini clad run right behind the priest during your ceremony. But thank you for choosing this destination, it made my Saturday morning more eventful than planned. I was 15 feet away observing from my towel.

New Leaf

I don't feel "sage" as they say in French, 28 years old yet I feel eternally 17. I am thinking my mantra for life should be, "I've fallen and I can't get up" . I seem to find myself in complicated situations often receiving hard cancel as my only resolution. I am not offended or saddened by this, I welcome a challenge and realize I am hard nut to crack. Many I know love to feel grounded, they find safety and solace in knowing there roots are deep in the earth holding them steady. I am not this way...I am more like those air plants you see in tourist shops that they make into fridge magnets, you know these guys (more scientifically known as the genus Tillandsias with about 540 species belonging to the bromeliad family)....

yep that's me on the right, sticking out a bit and no roots. I find I am happiest in chaos when the world is spinning around me and there are millions of things to do. Don't make me out to be a total disaster, I love peace and calm just like the next guy but there is so much wonder in this world I find it hard at times to "sit still". My dreams surpass my abilities however, I have yet to quench the desire to continue on this path of complexity and chaos.

Expectations

My entire life I have heard to never compare myself to others.....ya right, can't help it. The past few weeks have left me a bit numb(?) as I have selfishly spent too much time looking at how old I am and wondering: is this what I wanted to do? didn't I want kids by this time? didn't I want a PhD? didn't I want to have a few more stamps in the passport? didn't I want to have completed 2 triathlons and be able to speak 5 languages? and then I found this......

we must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us

{joseph campbell}

and I felt a little better. I am not sure how "willing" I am (ask anyone and they may say I am more stubborn or headstrong) however, I have created a little niche and while it has evolved from my juvenile life plan, it suits me just fine.

Love vs. Convenience

Love and a love for convenience are mistaken and the later sometimes leads to a marriage, rarely do they last. Being a wife in love is great. You always have a date on Friday night, you never wake up alone, you have someone to come to, you have someone to share in your memories, you have someone on your side who will defend you and protect you, you have a hero. Being a wife in love is great. Being a wife in love with convenience appears great but fades. You always have a male in the house on Fridays but that doesn't mean you will date, you have a body next to you when you wake but that doesn't mean you aren't alone. You have someone to share your memories but do they really care? You have someone at your side, but is he ON your side. Will he defend, will he protect, will he be a hero or is he simply your love for convenience? Was it a decision you made because you thought there was no one else who would love you? Because you were tired of being alone? Because all your friends were married with babies on the way and all you had was a dog/cat/houseplant? It is nice to have health insurance and car insurance, and a little place to call your own, it is nice to have a joint checking account, a vacation planned, and a ring on the once lonely left hand finger. It is nice to have pictures of a wedding and coasters that have your new last name's initial on them, it is nice to have men's shirts hanging next to your dresses in the closet and a lingering smell of his cologne long after he's left for work. It is nice to unpack a Christmas ornament that in Times Roman states "Our 1st Christmas" with some date, it is nice to have 2 toothbrushes in the holder, and your side of the bed. It is nice to be 2, a couple, us, we. But is it love or love of convenience? When lights go out and work is done, when he is lying next to you fast asleep what runs through your mind? Is having him there making you a better you? Is being "us" still allowing you to be "you"?

The smile...

As a waitress I always heard, "you smile so much", when I worked at the bank i heard, "you know no one can see you here in customer service, you don't have to smile" at school, on planes, in the grocery store. I never understood why it was so foreign people, it is only a smile. I didn't realize it was something that most people don't do. I never noticed the overall emotion of the world I was living in. Then today on my way to work I looked in the rear view and caught a glimpse, there are no wrinkles on my face. No crows feet by my eyes, no lines to the sides of my mouth. I can't remember the last time I really smiled. I wish I had those wrinkles. I have let the world get to me. I have given up on fairy-tale and sacrificed a part of my joy and replaced it with the day to day worries resulting in an expressionless face. I should have been a princess because then I could hide away in the summer house until I had something to wrinkle about.

Temporarily Disconnected

From time to time you call someone and the number is...temporarily disconnected. The power may be out, the bill wasn't paid, cell tower's down, they changed their number, whatever the reason you know that person can't be reached so you wait a few hours, a few days, sometimes a week, and then you call back. But, for that hour, or day, or week that person was in a way disconnected. At times I wish I could be temporarily disconnected. I would love to shut down, turn off, and not have to explain my reasons for doing so. Awkwardly in the silence of some days I wonder how it would be not to not have to love. The friends who "need" you, the family, the partner, life. I crave to have the option to truly shut off. I tried and then I had to feed the dog, pay my student loan so I didn't get a late penalty, the distant friend called I answered because it had been months she talked I listened she complained then hung up, I caught a glimpse of my tired face and realized my plan had failed, miserably! Does one ever get time to fully recharge? or do we just spend this time running on half a tank knowing full well that even when the gas light does go on, we have 50 miles before complete shut down; we often go 49.75 then crawl to the nearest station, rummage for change and get what we can. If I were a princess I could shut off. I could tell my servants to tell the court I was unavailable and they wouldn't question. I could steal away to a place where no one knew me, no one could find me, and where expectations were simply to sit and stay hydrated. I am NOT a princess, I love too much, too many, demand too little, and while being needed is a wonderful feeling, it can also pull all feeling from you.

Let Go

You are terrified to let go, petrified to think those memories may fade. You have convinced yourself it is because those times were so go but, deep down you know you are afraid they may be gone with nothing to fill that void. You spend countless hours replaying the past. You've cried, you've laughed, you've lost sleep. You've filled up countless journal pages, possibly making your own dent in the rainforest, only to find your question just may not have an answer. You move away, you bury a friend, you buy 1 ticket to the box office hit and skip the popcorn because you know you'll get fat. You take a drive without a map, you buy the expensive yogurt. You put on black underwear and bake a cake because it makes you feel sexy. You tell yourself you will run % miles tomorrow but you sleep in instead and frantically get ready for work in 5 minutes. Totally worth it. You buy flowers from the vendor by the bus stop not because his are the best but because 3 weeks ago when you were $3 short, he let you have the flowers anyway and told you to, "bring the rest when you get a chance." You go to the market every Saturday and always buy the same pastry, the consistency gives you comfort amidst the crowd. You take a road trip, you take a nap. You apply to pastry school, you buy a puppy. You try on $1500 shoes, you spend all day in a museum and you only see 8 paintings (and a bronze thing resembling an airplane or the leaning tower, you're not sure which) you talk to yourself but only while at the grocery store, you put on your favorite bikini at 2:am just to make sure it still fits. You stick out your tongue at the screaming child in the bank. You fill up more pages with nonsense and scattered thought and then without trying or willing it, all the memories you thought you could never live without are replaced because you started to really live.