The time I went to the mountains to cook for a young adult group: Last weekend I was asked to cook for 100 young single adults for 3 days. Challenge accepted, weekend was bliss. Accept for when you get all those pent up hormones in one cabin, and standards and morals are taken to their utmost breaking point {because the boys room is just across the hall!}, and instead of acting on the urges, they pull the fire alarm at 3 am, because at a cabin in the woods, that is about as risque and wild as a 22 yr olds can be without bringing dishonor to the family.

that is what happened....here is how I reacted:

My last apt in DC had a very touchy, very loud fire alarm. It would sometimes go off because the guy upstairs was cooking! I would fan it with whatever was close and be done with it. At 3am in a cabin in the woods in Utah, I am fast asleep, so when I fire alarm goes off, naturally I revert back to DC. In my underwear, I jump up on top of my bed, grab my quilt and proceed to frantically jump fan in the direction of the fire alarm 5 feet above my head. It only took about 15 seconds of crazy for me to realize there was no smoke, I was barely conscious, doing no good, and looking ridiculous. It was at this moment I got back into bed and was never so grateful I was sleeping alone, because if anyone had seen, I would have never lived it down. 

Dear Ikea,

Quick tip, during a quick trip a few days ago, I happened upon your knife display, it struck me as curious. Knives, suspended by magnets, attached by a cable, but once released from the magnet, they are allowed to hang well within reach of children. Don't you too find this curious? In the land of 3.64 children per mother in the store, that there be knives, dulled but still implailable, in the reach of the 3? Where a simple straw is turned into a knife by wild imagination, imagine what they do when they find your display...real knives! A worthy weapon for such a vivid little boy. I suggest a "Quick Suture" stand next to your "2 for $2" hotdog area. Just a thought.

MK

Jam:There are certain moments in life that are, simple, calm, mundane.....or so it would seem. But then you take this "simple" process of picking and cutting hundreds of pears for jam, and add Moore laughter, Moore stories, and a few Moore girls, and you have created a tangible harvest of memories that are unparalleled by conventional "fun".

Not sure I could rock red lipstick: Stole this video from my friend Ruth's blog. She is a dear friend and I think she and I should take to the skies, for a few months at least. Let's be honest here, ever since I was little I thought that flight attendants were just about as glamourous and wonderful as Ms. America {I said I was little!} I looked into it several times, but decided against it.....and recent conversations with a pilot friend of mine have shed a light that they are frequently cat hoarders, so I am glad that whim never became reality. That being said, in my next life, this seems intriguing:

That one time in my life I didn't want to be in charge {I know, it finally happened}: there are certain situations I do not like, yard sales are one of them. I am terrible at flea markets too....my conversations go something like this:

"um this says it is $15 dollars, would you take $10 or could we do 2 for $20"

"no this is very nice item"

"okay, you're right, I'll give you $16 how about that?"

At yard sales the conversations are the very same. And if I am the seller it's worse:

"um this says it is $15 dollars, would you take $10?"
"how about I pay you $15 just to leave me alone and you keep the shirt"

However on Saturday I faced my fear. My mom and sister, Jen, wanted help with their yard sale, and I cannot resist anything either of those two ask! And I love money :) I can haul boxes, I can price, I can setup, take-down, shlep, but sit there and barter?! Oh no my friends, not for me, I would much prefer vaccinating a rabid pitbull. They said I didn't have to :) and if anyone came near me, I pretended to not speak english, and if they didn't either, I just pointed at Jen or Mom. We didn't make tons, but I did take my share in mostly $1 bills so this morning when I woke up I could throw the money while in bed like they do in the movies.....it was glorious, until I remembered they were just a bunch of $1's. Then I felt just felt like a waitress, or a stripper.

Ms. Manatee:: so a while back there was this guy, tall, dark, handsome {no really he was 6'4", dark hair, and really really handsome}, he wanted to go for a late night swim in the lake. Yahoo...this is code for," let's put on minimal clothing, say we are going to go for a swim, but spend all our time "playing" around in the water" right? WRONG.  I carefully chose a cute suit, not one that is completely unflattering, not ones that is too cute, but one Goldilocks would approve of, and it was just right.

We get out of the car, it's too dark for him to see my cute suit. FAIL.  He throws me a swim cap and I realize, this is not amateur swim hour, this guy is serious, no "playing". FAIL. We scramble down the rocks and into the chilly lake. While getting in the late night fisherman on shore looked at us like we were brainless convicts trying to swim from Alcatraz.  Before I know it he is in and gone. It was like watching a flying fish. I don't know if his body actually ever touched the water; I felt like clapping. After closing my mouth and gaining composure, I think, "I have been swimming laps almost all summer, I got this!". Double FAIL. After maybe 20 strokes I quickly realize I am more like a manatee than a flying fish. 

Me....Him...you get the idea

I can't see where I am going, there are waves smacking me every time I try to breath,  gnats are buzzing my ear, and I am not wearing goggles. "I am going to drown", "I knew I should have asked Hannah if there are fresh water sharks", "I hate this....kind of", "what if I happened upon a dead body". Yep looking super hot now MK, back comes the flying fish and I am just a hot mess. Heart racing, sure I am going to drown {even though I can touch bottom}, choking on fish poop water....  "Hey isn't this great, how are you doing?" I wanted to say something clever to disguise my current state, FAIL. "I am freaking out!" happened instead. Manatees Unite. We talked, I chilled, we kept swimming for another 15 min or so then headed back in. I finally am feeling awesome, WHACK "AHHHHHHHHHH" I  hit a body, a real body with my arm. I knew it I knew it, dead body in the water!!! Nope the flying fish just swam in front of me. Freakout #2 was handled rather quickly :) he didn't see. One more awkward exchange with the fishermen who still thought we were nuts and we were back in the car and smelling like lake.

On the ride home I realized my evening turned out better than I thought. Instead of some testosterone driven neanderthal trying to "get some" all night, I was terrified that I would drowned, I thought I ran into a dead body, and I felt like a manatee. Stellar. Moral of the story though: I was put at ease without being made to feel dumb, lame, or whussy. {Not bad flying fish, not bad}. Maybe not all dates have to be Dive Bomb Dates.

On Saturday I wanted to be a baby yoga instructor. Because nothing is cuter than babies doing big human yoga poses.

On Monday I wanted to be a model. Because I was too tired to, but wanted to, do my hair. If I were a model it would be done for me...and so would my makeup and my outfit would always be flawless.

On Tuesday I wanted to be a flight attendant. Because then I could fly to Montana for free and go hiking this weekend.

On Wednesday I wanted to photographer for National Geographic so I could spend all day behind a lens, finding wonder.

On Thursday I just wanted to be so filthy rich that I never had to work again!

On Friday I woke up at 4am to finish a cake, and I realized I never want to do anything but this:

  

 

One Liners:If you had only a few lines to "sell" yourself, what would you say? Well here are just a few profile lines I saw a few weeks ago on my online dating extravaganza {that is better known as the land of misfit toys :) }. They aren't awful, but they are enough for me to post on a Wednesday.

 "I melt over a great steak and a soft kiss."

"I love rock climbing, MMA, camping, and cuddling with you" -WHOA stop right there....MMA, no chance I am cuddling with a cage fighter who can put me in a sleeper hold!

"I am your dream guy--tall, dark and handsome. I love cats, have 3. I am a hard worker as well as a good kisser!" - you are admitting right of the bat that you are a crazy cat lady...I mean man. Cats? that is your selling point!? your going to kiss me, then have to hand me a lint roller before I leave.

"I don't waste time on video games or TV, I clean up after myself, I love kids,"

"Happy Happy and super Happy, I know there's one special person out there it has to be is it you?" -anyone else read that  more than once? I think a few words or commas are missing at the end. But at least I know you are, "Happy happy and super happy". 

"A lot if peoples say I look like my mom, what can I say, she must be haut" -and her heart weeps because you still can't spell, and won't move out. 

The Puzzle: According to my birth certificate, I am: Monica Kate Moore born April 17th, 1983 to Teresa and Gary Moore in Provo Utah.

According to my passport I am: a US Citizen {who wasn't allowed to smile for my photo}

According to the DMV I am: a UTDL# 165010*** with no citations, 5'9" Brown Hair, Green Eyes, 160 lbs.,  living in Cedar Hills

According to the Church I attend I am: record # 000446138**, single, endowed, and "worthy" by the set standards

According to my dad I am: Hunkamunk or Munkadater. To my Mom and Jen I am: Kate or Katie, to Nick, Hannah, Jake, and Darren I am: MK. To Beth I am: Frauline. To Grandma Lil I am: Monica Monica Monica Kate. To most my friends I am: just Monica, others: Soeur Moore

According to my CV: I have been a teacher, a nanny, a waitress, a chef

According to Kenza I am: a provider of food, amazing toys, fancy beds, and ear rubs.

According to the BMI I am: Average weight

According to my hilarious online dating idea: I am mkpastry 30, divorced, "and loves chicken wings"

According to Facebook: I am a set of colorful photos, and occasional sharp posts about life.

To so many I am so many different things. They see just a few pieces of my puzzle....and the interesting thing is, I am not even sure if I know where all the pieces are yet. I don't know if I have the 4 corner pieces, if all the borders are there, if all the pieces are there! And I don't think I want to, not yet. A few pieces put together here and there give perspective to this whole, "life" thing, but I don't want to know exactly what mine is to look like yet, because I like to think if I knew it all now, it would lack wonder and excitement. So for now, I am happy with my pieces scattered, a few on the table some on the floor, and maybe one or two that are lost in the couch or under the fridge, but will be found soon enough.

{did you notice my seatbelt is always on ? life with me is a wild ride;) }

Sunday Dinner: Getting to know new people is a double edged sword for me, I have such shyness around the edges, but a never ending abundance for adventure, and new people are always an adventure. I was invited to sunday dinner with some people I have recently met, and they are always an adventure. Just wait, I will show you:

Setting....a lovely Sunday Dinner & Ashley's, 21st birthday a neighbor walks in, starts up a conversation, then this happened...

Various member of the family: "We love your dog, he is so cute" "He is the perfect animal for you"

Neighbor (45 single woman): "oh actually he died a month ago."

Jonny (26): "He Gone"

Me: (shock and awe J would say that! turning red enough for everyone @ the table, and trying to laas quietly as possible, because while it was irreverent, it was pretty funny)

Neighbor:.... ya she said nothing

Jonny's Dad (with the recovery): "I don't think dogs like me very much. There was this one time this dog was getting in the trash, so I went out one day and kicked him. He went whimpering down the street. Every time after that that I saw that dog, we would just cower in fear and pee by my feet".

Jonny's Uncle: "I was over at a neighbor's once waiting for something. I was maybe 12 or 13. Their dog walked over to me, peed on the floor, then fell over in the pee! I am standing there alone next to this dog thinking, "is this normal? is anyone else seeing this? do I tell them", on my way out I kind of quickly said, "Hey I think there is something wrong with your dog". Found out later the dog died that day"

Just a normal, little 21st birthday conversation. How I love the adventure people bring to my life. How drab mine would be without my family, and the moments I get to spend with other's.

A few days ago, my life may or may not have been turned into a Chevron commercial (and seeing my amazing sister Beth, and her stud husband Jake work for Chevron,....I blame them :)

The Routine:


So by about 7am...okay maybe 8am :) I have had my protein shake and these: 2 raw food, 1 calcium, 2 omega 3's, a probiotic, a antioxidant, {and the rest I think are coloring just to make my pee a crazy yellow....it's all a trick to make you think they are really working}.

Now, after starting off my day so healthy, by about 9am I think it is time to reward myself. {please note that the workout wear I am sporting is an illusion, I put it on so people think I am a fitness buff, really I put it on because it is what was easily accessible because it was semi-clean and on my room floor}

Julia, Julia, Julia: were you expecting a post on Julia Child's? Oh no, my Julia is better than that. After a rather scorchingly hot day @ the zoo, I am sitting in my air conditioned room after a freezing shower....wondering why the   {{watch out I am going to swear}}  hell my date for tonight hasn't called? Come on man it's 7:30, any longer and it will be booty call hour! Anyway back to the story, I am there and I get a text from one of my most favorite people in the world, Julia. She is telling me a story, and it is too good not to share :) and she said I could! So thank you Julia for making my night! Enjoy

My life feels like something I would read on your blog. It's always fun when you're sitting down to eat dinner by yourself and the plumber shows up. And as he is standing at your door, he's buttoning his shirt as if he's just had an erotic encounter. THEN as he walks into the bathroom you realize that you haven't flushed the toilet because you only flush the toilet every 2nd pee to save water. Oh joy! And I made a BOMB dinner. So here I sit with wine, my fancy dinner, in my pjs and the plumber shows up to unclog my sink. I hope he doesn't expect me to take him to the bedroom because the bed isn't made, let alone, I'm married!

I am mean...yes I know: So sometimes I am tired of telling my same old story, so I liven it up a bit.

-this conversation happened a while back, but in honor of July 4th, I thought why not :) -

• Ben: How old were you when you got married?
• MK: 27, well, wait, do you mean my first marriage? My first marriage I was actually 15
• Ben: What?!
• MK:  It was to one of the guys on the compound.
• Ben: what.....
• Ben: What are you talking about? Isn't that illegal?!
• Ben: you were 15?
• MK: No, I was 27 I am just bugging you.
• Ben: You, are crazy.

Today in honor of Independence Day, I am thankful for my freedoms, thankful I get to choose: who I pray to, who I love, who I am, and what I will be.  And what I make, today I made these. {And yes I realize a stripe or 2 and a few starts are missing.}

Hummingbirds: these hovering little darlings have always been a favorite of mine. Bright green with red heads and pointy beaks.  If close enough you can hear them hover on their quest for food. Our food source for them growing up was a large plastic strawberry that hung in the kitchen window. This year while pruning the pear trees, my mother stumbled on a hummingbird nest with 2 little white eggs, not much bigger than tic tacs. The nest was built eye level in the tree closest to the front door of the house. Now if you don't know, my parents live on a pear orchard, albeit small orchard, this hummingbird still had her choice of over 100 trees in which to build her nest. I quickly decided she was a bird from my own heart because she built her nest low and close to the hub of human activity suggesting she was nosey. 

Within a few days of discovering the nest, the twins had hatched a day apart

As time has gone on, the twins have filled the nest and the mother no longer has room to nestle them as they sleep. That and those little beaks would most surely lead to her death by puncture if she shifted wrong.   

They sit all day, beaks up, ready for more food

Quite possibly the most remarkable thing about the hummingbird is the nest, it is composed mostly of lichen and bits of bark held together, and adhered to the tree with spider webs. The inside of the nest is then lined with downy bits of cotton and feathers.

Clearly not much of a naturalist, Kenza is not impressed.

DBD Arrested Development: So AD is one of my favorite shows. You only love it after watching every episode.  There is so much, so funny about it. And it came to life for me a few weeks ago. Now I don't know if this counts as a DBD because, I actually went out with this guy 2x vs. the usual 1x for a DBD, but I will give a few details anyway. Dinner, movie, no sparks, no chemistry, he was really nice, really handsome, really strong, but there was nothing. He lifted up the arm rest in the theatre which is usually fantastic, but this time not so much, he went in for a kiss and I pretended to sneeze. And I kept my arms tightly folded so there was no confusion. I know, I know, as I age I am becoming more and more awful! But here is why I had a hard time, during dinner he told me his story....dad in prison due to some bad investments (they weren't his fault), assets frozen, aside from a few fancy cars, they have nothing of their old life of mansions, private planes, exotic vacations.  They all live close to each other or with their mom, and they are all waiting for the dad to get out, so they can get on with their lives. It's been 6 years. Arrested Development indeed. No on wants to go to college, no one wants a good job, no one wants to start a career because, "when dad gets out, they will see it was all a mistake and the $ will be paid back and we are going to start x,y,z and get our old life back". Mind you these aren't 14 year olds, they are all over 30 and everyone is holding on to the hope that the past will repeat.

I have been on dates with students, a CPA, a lawyer, a doctor, a dentist, a mechanic, a fireman, a teacher, an artist, an actor, a chef, a waiter, a clerk, a teller, and the jobless.....I don't care the profession or the amount in the bank so long as you are not waiting for life to happen. Life does have moving walkways you can get on and ride along the slow flat plane, but if you take the stairs, your legs might get sore, but the view is much better....and your calves and butt will be better too:) I do feel for their situation and mind block.

So that is the back story. But the real reason why it was a DBD is on the second date, while wearing a t-shirt that said "I'm with stupid" with an arrow pointing at his own face, and after misreading every sign and attempting to maul me, he whispered, "you must feel so lucky to have met me. I think I am your answer." At which point I racked my brain to remember what I was drinking when I asked whatever question I asked to have him as my answer. He said Monica _(his last name)__ had a nice ring to it. And that was my queue, exit stage left, never look back. After 48 text messages, and unfriending me on facebook, he called last week to see if in the past 3 weeks "distance had made the heart grow fonder", I gave him a few compliments and said sadly no. He informed me it was my loss and he was better than I ever deserved. He told me to loose his number, and to enjoy, "dying alone". Arrested Development folks....the show is much better and funnier than this story. This didn't have a Banana Stand, or a fake hand due to a seal attack.

Talking with a friend last night, they were shocked I  remembered the things I do. Birthdays, phone numbers, outfits, weather, dates of things both significant and not. I think I remember because it gives me control of my life....too bad I can't turn it off :) Anyway, July 4th is coming up. America's independence day, the day we celebrate for essentially saying, "we aren't going to take this any more, there is more for us, and trial and sadness and pain will all be worth this fight in the end"....and it was.  Today, June 28th, is my own little independence day. 2 years ago I made a choice that changed my life forever, and looking back, today I am enjoying the freedoms that were bought with a price.

Free Advice: so I have lots I could talk about, tons I could talk about, but nothing as fun as this.....my online dating saga. I started it because I had just moved to a new area, was so busy @ work, and I don't frequent bars, so I wasn't meeting anybody. I think I continue to do it because I need a good laugh from time to time :) Today after a productive day of work, I sat down and "rewarded" myself with perusing the online dating site. I always anticipate this is going to be wonderful, but I am almost always, romantically let down. But I keep going back because it is harmless, I have a cruel streak, and while it may be a romantic let down, it ALWAS provides a few bits that are hilarious! (Dear online dating gods, I will apologize for everything I have, and will write, the minute you produce the perfect mate) So being the selfless giver I am, I thought I would share bits of my cruel humor, and also give advice to potential online daters. Please don't think I am monster. *all of these pics were taken off the site tonight...they were all also "suggested matches", computers suck.*

Cowboy hats are fine, sometimes even sexy, but what is not sexy is having 1/2 of your ex-girlfriend's body, or in picture #2 just the leg, in the picture. 

Shameless selfies in the bathroom, this is one way you can make sure you are smiling just right......just clean the mirror first.....and try to get it in focus. You can't really see because #2's face is blocked but the photo is so very fuzzy, but on a good note, he is clearly flexing his left arm......really guys? take 2 seconds and crop the bathroom out all together. Toilets are gross, and towel racks without towels just make me think you are too lazy to do laundry and are using your pants still to dry your hands. 

Awesome, I can tell you have 2 hands, and like the snow, but I still have no idea what you look like. 

  

#1, you've got to be kidding me! I can only see 1/3 of your body. Yes I am thrilled you've been to Puerto Rico, or wherever this is, but I am not looking at a travel site right now, I am looking at a man menu and this photo depicts you as a sad side salad, not a main course. However, #2 where's the beef? Clearly right here. These photos don't help either. I get the full pic, but the dingy tanktop does you no favors. You are clearly okay showing "skin", but by not being completely shirtless you are only allowing me to think you have something to cover up. 

Now just a few usernames that I enjoyed tonight:

hotlatinlover7: is 7 the number of diseases I could catch from you 

imurman : no you're not because you can't spell

loveguru: clearly you aren't because you are single

cuffme: ahhh don't even want to know

USHMIECHAJSIE: thanks for the ALL CAPS and thanks for a username impossible to remember so I can never look you up again.

DBD #7 Taco Feast: we were planning on going to a basket ball game. {nice I like sports} I was just going to meet him at his place and then we would drive over together. I showed up right on time, and he let me in....he had long curly hair, and a beard. From the pic he had sent he looked like a greek god, he should only ever take pictures with that camera, because what greeted me was the the same guy, but really not. Anyway, he invited me in and said he had to run upstairs and would be down in a minute. I sat in the kitchen and his house was really nice, clean, organized, only red flag was the lace table cloth with a plastic topper and piles of neatly clipped coupons. Next thing I know the back door opens and in walks a woman! "Holy crap he's married", was the first thought, then as she came into the light I realized she was much older.....hurray he lives with his mom. Come to find out in the 20! min he left me alone with his mother, he has always lived with her, can't seem to get a girl friend, but was really cute as a baby. Yep she showed me the pics. When he finally finished primping, I was a bit shocked, he had on purply knee socks, basketball shoes, a sweat band on his head, and a really terrible jersey. We were not going to A game, we were going to HIS game. Odd. I sat with all the wives as their middle aged husbands huffed and puffed down the court. The girls gave me tid bits about this guy I was being forced to watch.  Everything from the good the bad and the really really really ugly, was relayed to me, without prompting.  Game ended, he came over and gave me a super sweaty hug, and then said, "let's go grab dinner".  I was feeling a bit over dressed, mostly because I was sweaty or wearing purple knee high socks. Just as we are headed out, he turns and yells, "hey my girl Monica and I are going to grab Taco Bell, who wants to join us?" My girl? when did I become his girl? 3 men joined us. I went to dinner with 4 sweaty men who all through the "meal" talked about high school, and the previous 6 games which they had all lost, and most the conversation was in spanish. One more sweaty hug and I was on my way home.....but wait.....then came the text.....he had showered, wanted to know if I wanted to come back for a little, and I quote, "night cap" which was accompanied by him in his undies. They were red, he was hairy, so gross. I said no thank you. There was no second date.

Nieman Marcus: so Niemans is dog friendly....and as you can guess, Kenza is a lover of couture and she has excellent taste....so it only made sense for her to shop with Fashion Tetris aka my little sister Hannah. 

But we really need to work on her endurance

(and no I am not turning into a crazy dog lady, I jut thought Hannah and Kenza were darling)