Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Love and a love for convenience are mistaken and the later sometimes leads to a marriage, rarely do they last. Being a wife in love is great. You always have a date on Friday night, you never wake up alone, you have someone to come to, you have someone to share in your memories, you have someone on your side who will defend you and protect you, you have a hero. Being a wife in love is great. Being a wife in love with convenience appears great but fades. You always have a male in the house on Fridays but that doesn't mean you will date, you have a body next to you when you wake but that doesn't mean you aren't alone. You have someone to share your memories but do they really care? You have someone at your side, but is he ON your side. Will he defend, will he protect, will he be a hero or is he simply your love for convenience? Was it a decision you made because you thought there was no one else who would love you? Because you were tired of being alone? Because all your friends were married with babies on the way and all you had was a dog/cat/houseplant? It is nice to have health insurance and car insurance, and a little place to call your own, it is nice to have a joint checking account, a vacation planned, and a ring on the once lonely left hand finger. It is nice to have pictures of a wedding and coasters that have your new last name's initial on them, it is nice to have men's shirts hanging next to your dresses in the closet and a lingering smell of his cologne long after he's left for work. It is nice to unpack a Christmas ornament that in Times Roman states "Our 1st Christmas" with some date, it is nice to have 2 toothbrushes in the holder, and your side of the bed. It is nice to be 2, a couple, us, we. But is it love or love of convenience? When lights go out and work is done, when he is lying next to you fast asleep what runs through your mind? Is having him there making you a better you? Is being "us" still allowing you to be "you"?
As a waitress I always heard, "you smile so much", when I worked at the bank i heard, "you know no one can see you here in customer service, you don't have to smile" at school, on planes, in the grocery store. I never understood why it was so foreign people, it is only a smile. I didn't realize it was something that most people don't do. I never noticed the overall emotion of the world I was living in. Then today on my way to work I looked in the rear view and caught a glimpse, there are no wrinkles on my face. No crows feet by my eyes, no lines to the sides of my mouth. I can't remember the last time I really smiled. I wish I had those wrinkles. I have let the world get to me. I have given up on fairy-tale and sacrificed a part of my joy and replaced it with the day to day worries resulting in an expressionless face. I should have been a princess because then I could hide away in the summer house until I had something to wrinkle about.